Waiting

I'm just...bored. It's like I spend an absurd amount of time waiting for something to happen whether it's a friend calling to hang out or something larger. I know I can call someone but as most of my friends are out of the state right now, I guess I'm left on my own for entertainment. But I think I'm waiting for something bigger than all that...I just can't quite put my finger on it.

A bunch of people are getting married in the next couple months. Granted, I don't think all of them will make it til death do them part, but there's a pretty large chunk of me that wishes that I was getting married, too. Acutally, it's a larger part of me than I want to admit, but I can't help but to think that if Corey and I were still together, we would have been getting married this year as well. Sure, looking back on everything now I know that our marriage wouldn't have lasted and I'm glad and somewhat relieved that I'm not getting married but that hopeful girly part of me wishes that I too was walking down the aisle in my dream wedding.

My greatest fear at the moment is that I won't find someone. It feels like everytime I see a somewhat attractive man, he's married. Fox and I had a conversation not too long ago. We were walking and everywhere we looked was a couple holding hands or kissing or doing those random signs of affection and I asked him, "Do you think all those couples are together because they're genuinely happy with each other or because they're too lazy or scared to look for someone better?" I guess it's a good question and honestly, I think it's 50/50. True, in that 50 percent of happy, content couples, you could break it down to those couples who are ecstatically happy, somewhat happy, or eh, happy. I was talking to Lynn about that and she said that I was way more optimistic as she thinks that number is closer to 70/30; 30 percent being happy in their relationship and even then, most are probably in the eh, happy percentile.

I guess I'm ready to date again but I don't even know where to begin to look for a decent guy. I don't want to go bar hopping because most of the time I'm too wasted to see straight anyway and really, like anyone at a bar is looking for a long term relationship. I joined the gym mostly because I want to lose weight and I have a funny feeling that most of those guys running on the elliptical next to me is a flaming homo. Not that there's anything wrong with that but you know, they're kind of unavailable. At this point in my life, I know all the friends of friends so really, if there wasn't a spark of anything before, I don't see a spark ever with them.

I don't know if I want a guy because I'm lonely or what. I can't remember the last time I cuddled with someone and genuinely enjoyed being that close to someone. I don't remember what it's like to hold hands with someone other than a friend. I guess I miss the feeling of being giddy because you're with someone new. I just feel like no matter how much in love you are with someone, inevitably everything starts feeling old and mundane. And you start getting lazy and there aren't anymore "wow" moments.

Or maybe I could just have a random fuck buddy. I don't know how well that'll work since I already kind of have one and it's not like we really utilize each other. I guess I do like my own space and I do enjoy being single because now I can do whatever I want even if it's lying in bed all night with a Harry Potter book or something lame like that. I just miss having someone in the room when I'm watching a movie or when something funny is on TV because I feel like a dork when I laugh by myself in my empty apartment. And I know I won't get that kind of companionship from my lackluster fuck buddy. I think sometimes he wants to cuddle or something but for some reason, I find that slightly off-putting. It's an awkward situation I guess.

Oh, and Cooper sucks. He gets so dirty from our daily walks because of all the dust and grit around downtown that I don't really want him on the bed. I can't bathe him since he fusses too much and he's only going to get dirty again in less than a day. Plus we're having crazy weather where it's sunny one day and raining or snowing the next. He gets covered in mud so I do wipe him down but I still don't want him on the bed. Most of the time he's in his house or sitting on the floor, I might as well have a house plant that moves instead of a dog.