We heard the tiny claps of little hands

It's been awhile.  It's been almost a year since my dad died and I am still trying to deal with it - deal with knowing that he's gone and although I didn't talk to him as much as I wanted to, it feels weird knowing that I can't and won't talk to him again.  At least in person.

He died on my 28th birthday.  I was drunk.  I was in the mountains where I shouldn't even have had reception but I did.  And it was terrible.  I wanted to be alone and with someone all at once but everyone I called was unavailable and the ones that were near with me were the ones I didn't want near me. 

And it's been a tough year.  I dated Warren, a guy I didn't even want to date in the first place, for a lot longer than I should have.  We held onto each other even if we were both incapable of offering any kind of support for one another.  We held on with a desperation that turned into an overwhelming sense of failure and hopelessness.

I feel terrible for dating him when I didn't want him; I wanted Casey.  He was unavailable and didn't want to deal with my depression and Warren was just...there.  He was/is a really nice kid and I feel terrible for being such a cunt and so distant while we were dating.  I really should have let him go.

But like I said, I'm ok.  I'm trying to move on.  I might never find a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with but I'm ok with that.  I know that not everyone should get married and I'm ok with spending the rest of my life by myself.  I know I can take care of myself, and that I can rely on myself and that is so much more important than hoping and looking for someone to take care of me.

Pray your life was just a dream

I have these dreams that my dad miraculously gets better and is able to walk and talk.  And I hate waking up because I know it was just a dream and I get so angry and upset that my dad is still sick and dying slowly.  Sometimes I wonder if he's just holding on, even when he doesn't want to, because my brother and I cried and begged him to hang on.

I just want him to be proud of me for something more than graduating college.  I feel like I have done nothing else with my life that will make him proud.  I work a job I hate, I haven't had a real relationship since college, I have no prospects of marriage or children, and I am still trying to find myself.  I feel like I have done so little to make him proud because I am not proud of anything I have done with my life thus far.

And I'm not even making myself happy; I am drunk more days out of the week than I am sober.  I do drugs.  I have meaningless sex with a guy that I like, but know I could never have a relationship with.  And I'd rather fuck around with him than look for someone who might be worth dating because I'm too scared, lazy, and afraid of failing that I'd rather waste my time with my fuck buddy.  

I'm 27 and I want nothing more than my dad's approval and to hear him say that he's proud of me.  I feel like the only way I'll hear that from him is when I finally make myself happy enough to be motivated and once he sees me happy, I think it would give him a peace of mind.  I think, in some ways, he's hanging on to make sure that I am truly happy and there's someone other than my dog who truly cares about me and loves me; every little, tiny part of me.

I sincerely saw your skin for the very first time

And maybe this is part of growing up but I've been thinking more of a relationship that might, one day, lead to a marriage and maybe a family...

I know I'm not in a position to be in a relationship as I feel that I'm emotionally unavailable. I have too many thoughts in my head that I can't figure them all out. Or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse because maybe the guys that I do want are not right for me in the long term and I'm trying to justify having the tiniest of feelings for them with wanting a relationship.

After Corey, I swore I wouldn't get too close to another guy unless I had a gut feeling that it would be worth it. As close as I was with Tyson, and experiencing some emotional growth, I didn't let him too close. I don't know what would hurt more: telling someone everything about me and letting them see me for who I am and getting dumped or having them not care. I think their carelessness would hurt more than getting dumped.

It just seems that most guys want me for sex and in some ways, it's flattering but at the same time, demeaning. I know I have an outgoing personality and a flirty one at that, but that doesn't mean that there isn't more substance to me. I'm glad guys think I'm fun and have a good time hanging out with me, but I wish they would be ok with just hanging out with me and not want or expect anything else but friendship. I don't know how I meet so many guys who think they're entitled to having sex with me just because I pay them the tiniest bit of attention; the same kind of attention that I dish out to everyone. For some reason, those guys seem to read more into it than others.

I had a weird dream today where I was trying to get away from Tyson who kept trying to hug me. It was just quick flashes but incredibly vivid in the sense that I could smell his deodorant and feel the exact weight of his arm as he tried to hold me close. It was so realistic and it was him as I last remember him. I don't know what the dream means, but it has left an uneasy feeling for me all day.

And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair and drink the cold away

My dad's still sick. I went to visit him and it was the most heart breaking thing I've experienced. There was still my dad in this emaciated skeletal body; his mind was intact as was his memory. The worst thing he said to us as we were leaving was, "I'm so ashamed..."

He's still my dad. I'm not angry at him for the things that he's done to me or the lack of interest he's show in my personal life until maybe it's too late. I'm so incredibly jealous of my friends who have parents who actually care enough to take care of themselves and their family. It wouldn't have been so bad if my dad disowned me but still took care of himself.

And I feel so selfish admitting that; that I don't want to take care of my dad's shit. And it's not that, I knew that this day would come but I wasn't anticipating it for many more years when I finally have my own shit figured out; when I have my own family, when I have a real career, a house, when, when, when I'm ready to face the fact that I might be without a dad.

I wanted to be able to have my dad see me and be proud because I have a great job, I'm taking care of myself, I have a guy who's completely devoted to me, and maybe I'd have a family to show him besides pictures of my dog. I wanted him to meet my future husband and maybe give him a hard time but to be able to look at me and nod that he's ok with the guy.

I just want my dad's approval. I know he's somewhat proud of me; that I graduated college and have a job and am relatively self-reliant. I know he thinks I'm a good sister because I look out for my brother. I just want to show him that I am somebody and that I made it in his eyes.

While my dad is sick and in a nursing home, I'm getting dolled up, but not too dolled up, waiting for a guy to come over and fuck around with me so I can feel some kind of validation and self worth. While I'm busy freaking out about my dad, I'm going to get comfort in the cheapest way possible with drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex.

I'm going to let a guy treat me with indifference. I'm going to let a guy who is about as depressed as I am and shouldn't even be dating date me when he comes out here. I'm going to do this to myself because they only want one thing from me and that's attention. I don't have to talk to them about my feelings or fears and can keep it to myself because they won't give a shit. They don't want to know what's going on with me besides the very very superficial and that's about the only thing I can give anyone right now. I'm going to keep it about them while keeping myself closed off hoping that maybe someone will see me for who I am really am and actually give enough shits to do something about it aside from taking advantage of me.

And even though he's completely awful and selfish as ever, I miss Tyson. Not him specifically, but the way we were together. I miss the way he would pull me towards him while we were asleep and just cuddle and spoon me. I don't know when I'll get that again. I miss aspects of a relationship that I know I won't get from anyone in awhile.

I date selfish guys because I like to be the one to take care of someone but secretly I'm wishing someone could take care of me. I don't know what I'd do if I actually dated a nice guy and he took care of me. The familiar is just so much easier and predictable.

I do these things and know for a fact that I'm not making myself happy and that my dad would be more disappointed in me if he knew I was doing this to myself. I just want to make him proud of me and instead, I'm too afraid to try and keep fucking myself up.

You're right, it's true

I don't know why you have to stick that knife in me one last time. I can't believe you'd be so self-absorbed, so selfish, and so...uncaring that you left without saying good bye after you were the one to bring it up.

I'm really hurt...again.

Forget the letters that I kept this is another I won't send

Tyson,

I'm writing this out because I don't know how to say it out loud. I'm too afraid of hurting your feelings that I'll let mine get pushed aside and you never acknowledge that my silences are not me agreeing to whatever you want but rather that I am disappointed.

And that's just it: I'm not mad at you or with you. I'm disappointed.

There's nothing about you that'll make me want a long term future with you. Nothing about you has changed since we dated and broke up. You are still self centered and your needs always comes first. You're so good at saying things that gives me hope but you never follow through. You can point the blame in every situation away from you and make excuses as to why things didn't work out in my favor.

You're wasting my time. I have told you what it is I want from a relationship and nothing about you is what I want. It might make a difference if you gave a damn and made an effort but you haven't. Every time you come over, you make some half assed attempt by saying "so...do you wanna go out?" when it's already 8 PM and it'll take an hour for us to get our food. Why bother saying that when you know it's not going to happen? To make myself feel bad when I have to settle and say, "why bother?" To make yourself look like you're not the bad guy? and why bother when what you really want is for me to either cook you something or order something in?

I get that you have to work some incredibly shitty hours and I don't hold that against you. What I hold against you is you not telling me if you're going to be later than what we had anticipated, saying that when you get a day off you'd like to spend it with me and then riding your bike for hours, or coming over when you're obviously too tired to do anything but fuck me and fall asleep. I can go without shitty sex if that means I don't have to wake up 4 times because of your fucking alarms.

Why do I even bother? Why do you even bother? You don't need a fucking girlfriend because you're too selfish for one. You make plans with other people and actually follow through with them. You've never put me first. Why are you wasting my time?

I'm not high maintenance. There are certain things I feel like a significant other should be able to do for their other half. You are not willing to do anything for me and while you have moments of actual tenderness, it doesn't make up for the fact that I'm not getting what really matters.

You consider me your girlfriend but you can't even tell me when you're coming back. You couldn't tell me that you might not be back in Colorado when you get back from your vacation. I have never held you back from doing what you wanted to do nor have I tried to get you to cut things short to do anything with me. Dating you is the stupidest thing I have done. In some ways, you're a million times worse than Corey.

I can't fucking do this, I can't keep letting you rip apart my heart. I don't even need to wish you luck or happiness because I know you will be by just staying the way you are.

God I mean, I hope I mean it

I've never wanted to be a princess. I never wanted to be worshiped. But I do get jealous when I hear people telling me about all the wonderful things their boyfriends have done for them. Buying them massages, getting them flowers, doing weird shit that says, "hey, I'm thinking of you." I suppose it's our culture to measure love with something tangible such as presents.

I've never had a boyfriend who bought me massages or even cleaned the house to show he cared. A few times they've gotten me flowers but it was more in the "I'm sorry I fucked up but I'm honestly not sure what I did to piss you off" instead of "hey, I was thinking of you and bought you these." With each new guy I date, I would hope that maybe this one would be different from the last one.

Maybe it's just the pattern I have with dating. I date guys who seem so well put together and so caring only for them to show who they really are: self absorbed selfish assholes. Maybe "asshole" is a harsh word, but "jerk" doesn't seem extreme enough. Either way, I fall for them because they have all been very good at saying the things that makes a girl's heart melt. Words that you hang onto thinking that maybe he'll pull through and maybe he does care about you, your feelings, your thoughts, your everything.

Like I said earlier, I don't want to be treated like a princess. I want to be respected and taken seriously. For once I'd like to know what it feels like to know that you're the most important thing in someone's life. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to have someone really go out of their way for you that isn't a friend. Mostly I just want someone who follows through with what they say; those words that made me melt, and smile, and hope that maybe, just maybe, you are completely different from all those assholes I dated.