I think that I'm just tired

You know what I really wish? I wish there really was a procedure like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where you can erase your memory. I just wish I can forget about certain things and people that I have dealt with in the past.

I guess the saying of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but I disagree because I feel like some of the things I want to forget are slowly eating away at me. That whole "time heals all wounds" is absolute bullshit; no it doesn't. The only thing you have to look forward to is death where you can truly be free from your demons.

I wouldn't say I'm suicidal but I think that if I were to get super sick and have months/weeks to live, I'd be totally ok with that. I've been lucky enough to have experienced some truly great things that some people will never experience. However, I feel like my life is very dull and yeah, one day I'll fall in love again and get married, but the same old-same old life I'm going to have seems really unappealing.

I just wish I could forget...sometimes it's so easy to forget that my grandfather has been dead for 7 years and I can go months without thinking of him. I wish I could do the same for people like Corey. I guess with my grandpa being gone, there's no way for me to even see him or hear from him. I just feel like even if I change my number, move, block him from my email, I'll still be reminded of him. And I honestly don't know if I even want to let go of him. I don't even know why I want to hang on; I know we're done and I don't want to get back with him. I guess I'm looking for the easiest solution to all this: just erase him.

I can throw away everything that reminds me of him. I can try and forget all the things that made us laugh or made us grow closer. But it doesn't help. There's still something. Ugh...I don't know why I'm even thinking about these things. I guess I just want to know if I'm ever going to get over all that. I just want to know what the future holds for me; of whether I'll find a great guy, be happy, be in a better state of being, just...some kind of absolute confirmation that everything will be ok with the passing of time.