So Corey has been IMing me randomly throughout the day the last week with The Office quotes. Normally I reply back with a quote myself but yesterday he told me that he was dating someone. He met her through his co-workers and while I thought I'd be mad, sad, depressed, hurt, whatever, I wasn't mad or hurt at all. Maybe a little surprised at how easily he found someone but then I thought about it and honestly, the girl will not be a keeper. Maybe because of that I'm not as mad or indignant.
It was kind of weird when he started telling me that he still wants me and thinks he'll always want me. That really was one of the best parts of our relationship; the way we fit together like the other one was made for each other. Sometimes I do miss him and wonder if I'm going to find another guy to fit perfectly with. It also made me feel cheap and useless because again, he's only going to come crawling back when his relationship breaks apart and he needs physical comfort.
I just wish guys could see me seriously instead of thinking that I'd be a good fuck. I've had most of my guy friends tell me that I'm the kind of girl they'd fuck around with but never date. I don't know why they think that of me since I don't think I give off slutty vibes nor am I a tease or crazy flirt. I think I'm pretty normal when it comes to flirting and stuff, and I don't think I ever dress like a slut. Most of the time I'm in jeans and a t-shirt when I'm at home.
It just hurts to be thought of that way. Austin cheated on his ex with me a long time ago and Corey only talked to me when he and Kathy were having problems. Then both would ignore me until it was convenient for them. To this day, I don't think I can ask Austin to hang out without assuming that we might hook up in one or another. And I think that's why we hang out; so he can get off cuz Lord knows I don't.
I guess I bring it on myself so I have no one to blame but me. The guys I know won't take me seriously because although they can see a physical difference since college, they can't seem to move on from the "party girl" image from the days of yore. I like to have a good time but not like the way I did in college. It feels weird that every guy I know, including family, can only remember the Alisa from the past and not the present day Alisa. My dad and uncle are still convinced that my favorite foods are still the ones I ate when I was 4 even though I probably haven't eaten that since I was 4. It's weird how both men and women hold onto the past but for different reasons. I wish they could move on.
I guess I'm ready to start dating because I think I'm handling this break up really well. I am ecstatically happy and more mature in some ways. I didn't have any hard feelings when Corey told me he's dating again and maybe that's a sign of growth and acceptance. I just don't know where to find a guy and I'm really not willing to find someone at the bar because I don't think they'd take a date seriously. I already know the friends of friends so no luck there. I hate it when someone says, "oh, there's this guy I want you to meet, I think you two would really get along" because 99% of the time, we don't get along or we get our hopes up. Although I want to have someone to date, I don't know what I'm looking for quite yet. Sure, I can list some attributes of personality characteristics I'd like but where do I even find that? It's not like a guy is walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that says "I'm reliable, I'm honest, I'm...."
But, honestly and most importantly, I am happier now than I have been in a really long time. And I want to share that happiness with someone because I know now that I can truly enjoy a relationship with someone without lingering doubt in the back of my mind.
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