Post-Secret

For whatever reason, I am fascinated by other people's blogs, secrets, whatever. I can't help but watch reality shows like Intervention, Jon and Kate + Eight, Rock of Love, etc. Most of the time I watch those shows because while I may be a lot of things, I'm at least not that.

A long time ago I went into a bookstore with Kristin and saw the Post-Secret book. I was intrigued and fascinated by it and wanted to buy it but couldn't justify the price tag. I don't know how it's so libertating to just pour your secrets into something like a blog or something like post-secret. I mean, I'm guilty of it; I have a voice but no face so really, all you can judge is what I'm thinking without the initial first impression based on looks.

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever do that...I have plenty of "secrets" to tell but I hate the idea of sifting through countless photos trying to find something that speaks for the secret itself...

Lately, these are the things I'm worried about:

1. I don't know that when and if I get married, both of my parents would be there. There's too much family drama and while I want both of them to be present, I think I'll have to sacrifice and have one but not the other.
2. I just want, crave, need someone to hold me like the mean it and tell me, with feeling, that everything will be ok...I need to be reassured all the time and I'm ashamed that I can't do that myself.
3. I had an abortion...it makes me worry that one day when and if I want children, I won't be able to have any as punishment.
4. I'm glad I had the abortion however, there's no way I could have loved that baby after what I went through.
5. I deliberately stop talking to friends. I don't know why I do this especially because I end up missing them.
6. What if I never get married?
7. I wish I could be happy with myself and love myself...for some reason I feel like I'm only worth something when someone feels like I'm worth something.
8. I wish I understood my parents better; I think I would have less anger and hurt towards them.
9. If I could turn back time, I wonder if I'd make the same mistake knowing the outcome.
10. I think I still love you...and I think I'll always hold onto the thought that maybe one day we'll get it right.