I guess things have been a little bit better over the last couple weeks. I went to Oklahoma for hopefully the last time last week and it was nice to get out of Colorado and clear my head. When I came back I spent the weekend with Megan and we stayed up until 6 in the morning talking. It was one of those really weird moments where you don't realize how much time has gone by until the birds start singing outside. I did watch 27 Dresses and felt a little gay about it.
Corey has decided that he's going to give him girlfriend a chance so we're not really talking anymore. I don't know how I feel about that yet. Some days it's easier to deal with and I'm happy with that decision and other days I'm resentful and sullen and self-pitying. I don't know what I really expected out of him in the long run though; I think I was hoping that if he kept seeing me and noticing that I'm making better changes in my life he would want me back.
Although I don't think I'd want him back. I know now that what I resented the most in our relationship the second time around was that I was the fault at every little fight and I was the one that had to make all the changes. The birth control pills I was on made me moody so because of that, it's my fault I'm always in a bad mood. It was up to me to keep switching from brand to brand hoping to find a "good" one instead of Corey saying, "hey, let's try condoms." I suggested that and he got bitchy. It was always my fault that I was in a bad mood and that bad mood transferred over to Corey which made him not want to be nicer to me or get me out of it. I also realized I grew more and more reclusive and sullen when he stopped showing me that he cared. We stopped taking time out for each other and when I wanted to, it never worked out for him. He would rather save up his time and money to hang out with friends because to him, seeing and living with each other everyday was good enough. Boring, but good enough.
So now I've been trying to get back in the saddle of dating. I regretfully signed on to Match.com and I still seem to attract the dregs of society or the creepy old men that have Asian girl fetishes. As I'm only trying it out for a month, it can't hurt and I can always ignore them. Anyway, I don't have high hopes for this; mainly I did it out of spite and boredom.
Mr. Kim's leaving next Saturday. I guess having him this long made me comfortable and feel like I have more company than I normally do. I'm going to miss him probably more than I'd like to admit but I'll be going out to Washington in September. Which makes me worry about Cooper; I'm thinking about boarding him since I don't think David would want to watch him for a solid week.
I wonder if I'll be more depressed when Mr. Kim leaves. I hope not; hopefully that gives me a chance to really look at my life and figure out what will make me happy and maybe spend more time with friends. I keep feeling conflicted because I want to spend time with my friends but sometimes Mr. Kim doesn't want to tag along and then I feel bad because I should be spending time with my brother. Megan's leaving pretty soon; her mom needs to have a pretty invasive surgery soon and she'll be down in the Springs for almost a month before going to her cousin's wedding the second week of September. That doesn't give us a ton of time to hang out and the days are flying by faster and faster. It's like, wow, where is all the time going? What have I really been up to?
The only semi good thing to come out of that retarded dating website is that every guy asks the same questions of "what do you like to do for fun/what kind of guy are you looking for." All in all, I think I'm a pretty average, boring person. As to what kind of guy I want? I don't know, at this point I have said yes to almost everyone that came along and still I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want so I guess I'm slowly moving forward in this. I don't even want to be in a serious relationship, I think I just did this to maybe meet some new friends that won't try to get me to blow them or shove their hands down my pants.
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