I had an interesting conversation with Erika the other day about relationships. She's seeing this guy right now who waited 2 hours at a restaurant for her with roses. He said that she isn't the type of person to blow someone off and she's really not, she's actually very nice. What made me comment on that whole situation and her relationship with that guy is that she has him completely whipped without having to do a thing. That guy would do anything and everything for her without her even really asking. I kind of compared him to a Golden Retriever, you know, "what can I do for you? what do you need? what do you want?"
I told her about my past dating experiences in high school. Guys like that are like puppies, they will follow you devotedly anywhere and everywhere no matter how much you yell at them to go away after showing them the slightest bit of attention. The only way to get rid of them is to beat them to death with a hammer. Kidding about beating puppies to death, they don't deserve that. What I did, and I realize what I did was wrong, was to push and push a guy to the point where he breaks down and then I'd rub salt in the wounds. I was a terrible terrible person and I just used the guys to sharpen my claws on when I got bored of their devotion. I mean, that's all Steve was to me and I feel bad for using him like that. I knew what made him tick and I would do it on purpose with all intent of hurting him.
Corey was a puppy for awhile. Then he started pushing back and made me respect him more. And I liked when he was like that and everything felt equal between us. Then of course, we turned into two control freaks or more akin to two pit bulls in the same arena. We were never meant to be together in the same room for longer than necessary and that time frame was long enough to draw blood and tears. Not that we ever made each other bleed.
Which brings me to what I need from a guy and what I need for myself. I hated the needy, clingy, jealous person I was when I was with Corey. I hated that because I hated those qualities in the guys I've sharpened my claws on in high school. The great thing about therapy and dating again is that I can catch myself doing something I don't like, whether its intentionally hurting someone or becoming jealous for no reason. I like being able to see that in myself because I think it'll help me in the long run.
I need a guy who can push back but also let me win every once in awhile. I don't need another pussy boyfriend who is at my every beck and call. I don't want to become insecure in a relationship. I don't want to bend over backwards for anyone ever again while getting nothing in return. I want a relationship where we are both equals. That if one person drops the ball, the other person is right there to pick it up and keeps things moving until the other person gets back on their feet. That's what I really want...
Last night I talked with Tyson. He called me while I was listening to music and secretly thinking about texting him. Maybe we're secretly connected...anyway, we talked briefly about the future and the entire time, I felt like he was holding something back. He kept reiterating that he has a really good chance of coming out by the end of October and I think he wants me to wait for him. He won't flat out say it, I don't know if that's what he even wants to say, but I feel like he's holding back on saying something. I felt that way about our last night together as well, like he really wanted to say something but felt awkward or what. I really wanted to ask him if he wanted to say something...
I just wish I wasn't so terrified of falling for him. I can feel myself holding back whenever the conversation gets too serious and I don't want to. I finally met a guy who is secure enough to express himself and his emotions and I'm turning into the emotionally retarded person in the relationship by changing the subject or saying some completely asinine thing. I just need to trust myself and trust him I guess...
Erika said that if she were to break it off with the guy today, it'll hurt just like it'll hurt after a month, a year, etc. No matter what, you're going to get hurt at some point so really, why hold back? Especially on a guy as great as Tyson?
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