I went to the gyno yesterday for my yearly exam and to make sure I'm still STD free. I had to find a new one again since I moved again. I really like this doctor and she was really nice, funny, and not at all lesbian-like. Anyway, I won't know my results for a few days, maybe a week, but I already got some kind of bad news.
Two years ago I had to get a LEEP procedure because I had cancerous cells on my cervix thanks to HPV. Not only was that the most traumatic experience I've had that year, it was rather invasive and to quote my doctor yesterday, "wow, they really took a chunk out of you." When I got the procedure done, they didn't really explain the healing process and I assumed that the cervix would just grow back like the liver or something. Instead I learned that it just scars over and apparently, you can still see where they took the chunks out of you.
Thankfully, it healed up well enough I guess without any complications. I had to get a pap smear every 3 months for a year to make sure the cancer cells weren't back and thankfully for the last 2 years, they were normal. Also, I was terrified of having sex so I didn't have sex for almost a year and a half. So luckily, the HPV didn't come back in those two years.
My doctor yesterday told me that later on down the road if I were thinking of starting a family I would see complications because of the scars on my cervix. I have a higher risk of miscarriages because my cervix is all fucked up and if I were to carry the baby to term, I would have a terrible terrible time with labor because my cervix won't dilate thanks to all the scar tissue. So I guess it's a C-section for me.
As of now, and for quite some time into the future, I don't want any kids. I never really wanted children ever, and I think I would make a terrible and selfish mom. I would expect way too much of my kids and honestly, I don't think I have much of a maternal instinct. I think I would make an awesome aunt to my brother's future kids and to my friends' kids. But for my own, I think I pass.
It just bothers me that maybe one day if I meet the right guy and we really want to start a family I would have a hard time doing so. It makes me feel...empty and damaged...like I'm not a whole person. I mean, women are supposed to be able to make babies and have babies and I...well, I can get pregnant but it'll be hard for the baby to I dunno, become a baby. It almost makes me feel remorseful and sad...like I should have had that baby when I got pregnant with Corey because who knows? Maybe that was the only baby I would have been able to have safely.
I knew one day I would regret getting that abortion. I knew one day it would come back to bite me in the ass and I guess it kind of did to an extent. Yes, I know I could always adopt as there are so many unwanted children but I want something that is sincerely, truly mine. Something that's me and my husband.
My biggest fear is of disppointing the one I love. I don't want to disappoint my future husband, whoever he may be. It's not that I can't get pregnant, it's just going to be hard and I don't know how many times I can take having a baby miscarry or worse. I'm just really sad and stunned and I really hope that that's the only bad news I get from the gyno.
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