I don't know what it is; whether it's that time of the month, maybe seasonal, or maybe just the fact that every year for the past 4 years, December was the month that Corey and I broke up, but for some reason, I am really just...not really depressed but just glum. I mean, technically everything's fine; I'm not sick and there isn't anything going on in my life but I just feel...bored, glum, blue, maybe a little tiny bit depressed.
And if I think about it, and I don't have to think too hard, I have things to be grateful and happy about. Tyson and I are getting along well, Cooper's been pretty good lately, and Erika and I are better friends. I got most of my Christmas shopping done last weekend so all I need to do is buy Julie's present and wrap everything.
Last night was the holiday party for our office and it was the first one I've been to since working here. It wasn't terrible, but it was hard to have a conversation with my co-workers because we see each other almost every day and really, what do we talk about besides work? Erika, David and I left around 8:30 and I got home by 9. Tyson wanted to come over so he was over by 9:30 and for some reason, we just didn't click at all last night. The more he tells me about his past, especially his drug use and sex history, the more turned off I am. It's partly my fault because I ask, but even then, he never really starts up a conversation and a very random, innocent question can turn into a long story about his drug use and promiscuity. He told me he wanted to see me since he was going to the mountains this weekend and spending the weekend up there with his old fuck buddy turned friend. And honestly, I'm trying not to care because I am so turned off by his past and I need to work on trusting someone, but still, it did not make me happy to hear that.
We didn't talk much after he told me about his past. We tried joking around but it was awkward. When he left this morning, it was awkward.
Erika and I were so bored yesterday we talked for an hour and half in her office pretending to do work. We talked about our past relationships and how we completely lost the sense of self in them. About how when we got dumped, how we felt so lost, insecure, incomplete, and was reduced to begging our exes to take us back. I never want to be in that situation again. I never want to be so completely absorbed in a guy that I forget about what I like, who I like, and who I am. I guess the nice thing about going through that once is that hopefully, I'll never let myself do that again. Maybe that's why I won't let myself really like Tyson besides the fact that who knows when he'll leave, when he'll come back, what kind of drugs he'll do, if he'll actually quit smoking...
I don't know, I know there are tons of huge issues I don't like about him but for some reason, I still want him around. I like the attention and the affection even though it sometimes turns me off. I just like knowing that someone likes me.
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