I was talking with Mr. Kim a few nights ago and we were talking about whether or not our dad is dating someone; possibly online dating. It's creepy to think about but for some reason, I'm not as creeped out by him dating than my mom. I don't know why that is; maybe I feel like he's a lot more lonely than my mom or that he actually really needs someone to take care of him and love him.
My mom's living with her parents as well and they are the complete opposite of the parents my dad has. My mom grew up in a very loving household where she was the princess and got everything and anything her heart desired. My dad didn't grow up with any of that but I do think that he was somewhat prized since he was the first born and male to begin with. He's not very good at showing affection and we're not close; mostly because I don't know how to talk to him. He seems to be very disinterested in my life besides my grades when I was in school.
It's just...my mom has friends in Korea that she sees on occasion and hangs out with them. Even though living with her parents has to suck a little, they love her and support her and baby her. She has her younger brother...and my dad just has Mr. Kim. My grandma probably has dementia and has become verbally combative and abusive as of late and my brother usually secludes himself in his room. Not that I blame him...
I don't think my dad goes out and unfortunately the Internet has become his only source of contact with the outside world. I do want him to find happiness but he really doesn't have much to offer someone right now. I also think that if he is dating and is happy, he'll go forward with the divorce with my mom and I don't have to hear her bitching and complaining that my dad won't sign the papers. Again, I think this is more for my own selfish reasons than wanting my parents to be happy.
I wish I could talk to him but I don't know how to start a conversation that should have happened years ago. I want to tell him about my personal life but he didn't seem too interested when I was out there in September. I wish I could tell him about dating, about the guys I've liked, and about the people that are important in my life. I can tell him some stories from college that are funny, I can tell him about Megan, Kristin and David and what they're doing with their lives, I can talk to him about sports and everyday subjects but I can't talk to him about anything personal. I think it's because I'm afraid of disappointing him or him judging me. I'm also afraid he might blow things out of proportion.
I talked to my uncle Steve when I was out there and he basically said that the best thing to do is just talk. Maybe my dad will listen and maybe he won't, but at least I made an effort. It's just I'm afraid of his rejection and I'm embarassed by some aspects of my life that I don't want my dad judging me and telling me how dumb I am when I already know and feel that way. But, I guess my uncle has a point; once I start talking to him, at least I got over that hurdle. I just want to tell him about my life and how I realized that he was right about all the things he said and gave me shit over...
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