While Tyson technically has the job with SNC, there's a lot of drama and contract issues between SNC and Western so Tyson is still in Idaho and it seems like he'll be there for awhile. He keeps telling me his options and estimated time lines and I patiently listen to him and reassure him because I think deep down, I'm kind of glad for the delay.
We got into a fight last Thursday. I lied to him, I was watching the Bowl game with Corey and I couldn't bring myself to say I was hanging out with him so I told Tyson I was hanging out with Austin. I was really drunk at some point and we were texting and I guess I said I wanted to make a bad decision and I guess that really scared him. I didn't do anything with Corey and he didn't spend the night or anything, but I just felt guilty. Tyson was really torn up about the whole thing and I felt really bad but I also felt this tiny, vindictive pleasure in knowing that he liked me so much; much more than I like him.
And that's what I feel guilty about. I don't know if I see a future with him because it's only been 4 months. I'm going out to visit him for a week next Monday and while I'm super excited to see him, I'm still really conflicted on how I truly feel about him. I feel pressured because he told me that I'm a huge reason for moving to Colorado. We talked a lot this weekend about his insecurities with me and it's really because he likes me so damn much. I'm having a lot of fun in this relationship but for some reason, I don't see it being serious. I want to get married and sometimes I try to picture myself getting married to him but I can't. I think I'm completely repulsed by the idea of marriage and engagements and all that creepy shit that I can't bring myself to look at a future with him longer than maybe a month.
He told me that he has thought about moving in together. He says that when he looks into his future he sees me there and I don't think he means as a friend. it's flattering and scary at the same time; I want to be loved and I want someone to think of me that way but I don't think I want that right now. And while he reassures me that this won't happen immediately, he says that if things are going well after a year he would want to move in together. He mentioned awhile ago that he would want to live with someone for awhile before proposing to him and I know that's what will come next. Sometimes I wonder about my feelings for him because while most girls would be thrilled with knowing that about their boyfriend, I'm feeling apprehensive. Probably because of the whole Corey situation, but I think I did an ok job of telling Tyson why I was apprehensive of moving in together in the future and how I don't want to unless it's something that I feel like I'm ready for.
We talked for almost 3 hours on the phone last night. God, we talked a little about everything. For some reason, we talked about engagement rings and he asked me what I liked. I was indecisive. I think what bothers me so much is that he seems so sure of it all and he doesn't even know me.
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