It's been an interesting couple days; Erika and Clay broke up Tuesday night. I went over to David's after hearing about it because she wanted to talk to someone and it's hard going through a break up. I guess sitting there and letting her cry and talk about the whole thing and feeling bad for her made me so afraid of losing Tyson. Just seeing the hurt that she was going through was something I didn't want to go through again.
Of course it brought back feelings of Corey and going through the break up the first time and feeling completely alone and just...depressed beyond words. I was literally a zombie for over a year and I was completely crippled by the devastation. The worst part is that David and I could completely empathize with her but of course, we didn't know the right things to say. She did cry a lot and was so hurt it made my heart hurt for her. I suppose that's one of the most frustrating things about breaking up: no one seems to know what to say and the things they say only end up making you feel worse.
I don't how long it'll take her to get over it and I don't know to what extent she'll get over it. I know she really let her walls down with him and genuinely tried her best so I can see where it really hurts her. It seems like he was only interested in the chase because he just gave up; he didn't want to try anymore and he gave a really vague reason for wanting to break up.
I think at some point we needed to change the subject and kind of distract ourselves from the break up. We talked about how amazing it is to be friends and how much we've gotten closer in the last year or less. And I agree with it, I think David is more comfortable talking about his relationship with Mitch, his sexuality, and whatever. I never expected to be good friends with Erika but I'm really glad to have both of them in my life.
At the time, Tyson and I were arguing about a lot of things and I was a little worried that we were going to go down that path as well. Realizing how badly Erika was hurting made me sure that I didn't want to go through the quite yet. So Tyson and I had a really good talk that night when I got home; I did tell him about some of the big problems I had with him and I guess I really made him feel terrible.
When we first started dating, I went to Seattle to visit family. When I got back I texted Tyson and he invited me out to hang out with him and Fran. So when I met up with them they were already completely trashed and although I drank a lot, I wasn't really buzzed and I had to go into work on Sunday to help with a conference. Tyson was so trashed and was saying really random inappropriate things to a 14 year old kid who was playing at a blue's bar. I was really embarrassed and at some point in the night I got hungry and got some food. Tyson was like, "I really want to go home with you and I love the way you taste." I kinda looked at him and told him that he has never gone down on me and he must be mistaken with another girl. I was kinda pissed by then and told him I was going to go home. He pretty much invited himself over and when we got to my place he started going down on me and when I told him to stop, he didn't.
I tried to squirm away but he just held on tighter. There was really nothing for me to do except just wait for it to be over. I don't know why I continued seeing him after that; maybe because I went through similar things with every guy I dated. I had been raped, molested, etc. in the past and although parts of it were my fault, I just feel like this is something to expect in the future regardless of who I'm dating. Anyway, that's what I told him and he's very against any kind of violence towards women and he just felt so terrible; he was really torn up about it.
He basically promised me that would never happen and he'd be very respectful of me when I don't want to have sex or whatever. I guess this is something that only time would tell so I trust him since he hasn't gone back on his word. It's something that I want to move from and I think we'll be able to do so.
I guess I've been a little unsure of our relationship because I have a hard time knowing what I mean to him and what he wants. I think with what Erika went through and realizing I don't want to be alone has made me decide to try and stick this out since Tyson actually cares about this relationship. I think also, with our recent talks, he has a better idea of what I mean to him and vice versa. I guess I'm more excited about our future together.
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