My dad's going to Korea next week. He says that he's staying there anywhere from 2-4 weeks and I really have to wonder where the fuck he's going to stay. He's not a very good planner so I expect that he's planning on staying with relatives who probably don't know that he's going to Korea. So I'm really nervous because I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm really hoping for the best but to be honest, I'm really scared of what can happen.
I worry about my mom. I told her to meet him in some public place although I don't know what kind of good that would do. Koreans are really good at minding their own business in public settings so if my dad does freak out and shit, I expect people to walk around them giving them a wide berth. I'm hoping that doesn't happen and luckily my dad doesn't know where my grandparents live. I'm also hoping that my mom will be smart and have a friend go with her and her friend can sit at the next table or something.
My dad's not an imposingly large man nor is he buff in anyway. He's like, 5'9" and probably 150 pounds at most. He just has a way of looking at you that just makes your blood run cold. His gaze is full of hatred and anger and just plain crazy. He can make you feel so low with just one glare. To this day, even knowing that my brother and I can physically take him down, he still reduces me to a quivering, scared little girl with just one look or harsh word. He also has a way of raising his voice that makes me flinch every time. I don't know how to get over this.
I've been trying to talk to Tyson about it but he has a really hard time understanding. I don't really blame him for it because what do you say to a situation like that? All the same, he's not very comforting and usually he just says, "I'm sorry baby" because he can't think of anything to say. I don't know if he did know what to say, if that would make me feel better. I just want my dad to leave me alone and I just want my parents to leave me alone. I hate being in the middle all the time. I just really want to live my life, however fucked up it is, without the interference of my family.
I'm just really sad. I'm really stressed and depressed and nothing seems to help. I'm also having anxiety while I sleep and I haven't had a good night's sleep in I don't know how long. Well, probably when I was in Idaho last but Tyson's bed is so uncomfortable I woke up sore. I tried to have some fun this weekend but my plans didn't pan out the way I wanted to. The concert I wanted to go to on Saturday night was sold out and Friday, although I went to the movies with David and Julie, I was so tired that I didn't enjoy my night. Plus Tyson and I got into a fight over the weekend and I realize that I just want some space and haven't talked to him since Saturday night. Which doesn't sound like a big deal but we talk everyday. The worst part is, I like not having to talk to him.
I just feel like all the progress I've made with myself is completely moot at this point. I feel like I'm slipping back into depression and now I hate everything about myself again. I feel fat, I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, and I feel like the failure my dad keeps telling me I am.
I worry about my mom. I told her to meet him in some public place although I don't know what kind of good that would do. Koreans are really good at minding their own business in public settings so if my dad does freak out and shit, I expect people to walk around them giving them a wide berth. I'm hoping that doesn't happen and luckily my dad doesn't know where my grandparents live. I'm also hoping that my mom will be smart and have a friend go with her and her friend can sit at the next table or something.
My dad's not an imposingly large man nor is he buff in anyway. He's like, 5'9" and probably 150 pounds at most. He just has a way of looking at you that just makes your blood run cold. His gaze is full of hatred and anger and just plain crazy. He can make you feel so low with just one glare. To this day, even knowing that my brother and I can physically take him down, he still reduces me to a quivering, scared little girl with just one look or harsh word. He also has a way of raising his voice that makes me flinch every time. I don't know how to get over this.
I've been trying to talk to Tyson about it but he has a really hard time understanding. I don't really blame him for it because what do you say to a situation like that? All the same, he's not very comforting and usually he just says, "I'm sorry baby" because he can't think of anything to say. I don't know if he did know what to say, if that would make me feel better. I just want my dad to leave me alone and I just want my parents to leave me alone. I hate being in the middle all the time. I just really want to live my life, however fucked up it is, without the interference of my family.
I'm just really sad. I'm really stressed and depressed and nothing seems to help. I'm also having anxiety while I sleep and I haven't had a good night's sleep in I don't know how long. Well, probably when I was in Idaho last but Tyson's bed is so uncomfortable I woke up sore. I tried to have some fun this weekend but my plans didn't pan out the way I wanted to. The concert I wanted to go to on Saturday night was sold out and Friday, although I went to the movies with David and Julie, I was so tired that I didn't enjoy my night. Plus Tyson and I got into a fight over the weekend and I realize that I just want some space and haven't talked to him since Saturday night. Which doesn't sound like a big deal but we talk everyday. The worst part is, I like not having to talk to him.
I just feel like all the progress I've made with myself is completely moot at this point. I feel like I'm slipping back into depression and now I hate everything about myself again. I feel fat, I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, and I feel like the failure my dad keeps telling me I am.
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