I've had an interesting couple of weeks that were both eye opening and heart rendering. It's been crazy, I don't really know where to start...
Last week, I went to see The Antlers in Boulder with Corey. I told Tyson ahead of time that I was going to the concert with him so it wouldn't be a surprise and I wouldn't have to lie to him about it. Corey and I decided to get up to Boulder right after we walked the dogs so we can have dinner and some drinks before the concert started. So we went to The Med and had a really great dinner and conversation and went to the Hill to hang out before the concert. All in all, I had a really great time. The band was amazing and it was so good to be back in Boulder and just hang out in my favorite places. Before going to the concert, Tyson had a long talk with me about him not trusting Corey and I took offense to that because he really meant that he couldn't trust me. He couldn't trust me to keep the boundaries clear with Corey and make sure he doesn't step over the line. So the whole night, I think Corey wanted to hold my hand or hug or whatever and I wouldn't let him. He was rubbing my back and shit and I told him to stop and he did. True, I had to repeat myself a couple times but for the most part, he kept his hands to himself.
After the concert, we drove home, talking and laughing and having a great time. I had a really amazing time just because I was hanging out in Boulder with good company and I felt good to be able to hang out with Corey and have such an amazing time. So we said good night and I called Tyson to let him know I got home ok. We ended up getting in a fight because he was just livid that I was hanging out with Corey. He kept telling me he didn't trust him, and that he didn't want me hanging out with him. It took awhile, but really we got to the root of the issue: he doesn't feel adequate to Corey.
He told me that he doesn't think that I can ever love him as much as I loved Corey. He told me that he's afraid that he'll always be second best to Corey. It was hard to hear because in some ways, there's truth to what he said. I did have strong feelings for Corey and I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that way again. Partly because I don't let myself get that close again, but also because I wonder if I'll find someone who makes me feel that way. In the end, I had to explain to him that he shouldn't compare himself and what we have to what I had with Corey. I've known Corey for 7 years, I've only known Tyson for 8 months. You can't compare the history and all that time we've gotten to know each other. I also told him it's a good thing I don't feel the same way for him as I did with Corey because obviously, it didn't work out between us. What I feel for both guys are completely different and that's ok. That's what it should be.
I guess after that conversation we were both wary of each other. I was also PMSing real bad so I was already bitchy and edgy and just...angry. So I spent the week being angry at him, being volatile, and calling him out on a bunch of things from his past that bothered me. I was super blunt and straight to the point and didn't sugar coat anything but that also meant that I didn't care what was coming out of my mouth and if that was hurtful or not. We ended up not talking for most of the weekend because I spent all of Saturday hanging out with Erika and going shopping with her. We ended up going out with David, Mitch, and Aisha and went out for drinks. I was feeling insecure, I was drunk, and I was just...exhausted. So when Tyson called me, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. I told him fuck it, I'm done. He didn't try to fight me, he just let me break up with him.
Shortly after this, we all ended up going home. I was feeling numb and dazed so I called him. We had a long talk about everything and I left it to him to decide what he wants to do and that I'll give him space to decide. Basically I told him that I pulled that shit because I am extremely insecure with him about being sexually satisfying to him. He's had a more promiscuous past and I don't feel adequate enough for him or, I don't know, just not enough for him sexually. He told me I was more than enough and he really enjoys having sex with me so I guess I have to believe that.
I was anxious the next day. I was super depressed and just...lethargic and I slept almost all day long. It made the time go by quickly and all, but I couldn't help but be paranoid and worried and anxious. I was worried all day and waiting on tenterhooks to see if he would call. And he did...later that night.
He basically said he thought about it all day. He thought about what he wanted compared to what he thinks I wanted. And despite all that, he knew he wanted me and to be with me and he wanted to keep trying. I was so relieved, and having all day to be paranoid and really think about everything, I realized a lot about myself and my terrible relationship habits.
Basically, whenever things got tough with Corey and me, we would say "Fuck it" and leave. We would break up, make up, break up, make up. It was easier than talking about our problems and trying to solve it. Neither of us are confrontational and it was easier to ignore the problem and not deal with it. So it was so easy but it didn't solve anything and it didn't fix any of our problems. It sucked because our problems were always there and we didn't try and we didn't give a damn about trying to fix anything.
And that's how I felt. I felt tired and didn't want to keep trying and dealing with the fact that I felt inadequate to him. I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want him to know I felt so...worthless to him. I guess he felt the same way about me and Corey, how he didn't feel good enough. It's so weird that while he went through that the week before, I felt that exact same way and it really brought the issue home to me. I don't like feeling this way, and neither does he. I guess it puts things on an even ground and now we can really relate to each other. We both need to work on making each other feel important and adequate.
I know what I need to do as well. When I'm PMSing, I need to make sure to not take things out on him and be able to say, "look, I'm not in the greatest mood, I don't want to talk and I'll call you when I'm ready to have a good conversation without blowing up for no reason." I talked about that with Tyson and he agreed to that and he won't take offense when I need my space. I'm also trying to get another appointment with my gyno so I can change my birth control pills and see if something else helps.
So while I was breaking up and making up with Tyson last weekend, Corey was in Vegas. He admitted to me today that he met up and hooked up with some girl from LA. She's 29 and Korean. He definitely has a type...Anyway, he was like, "I've never felt this way about anyone in forever and we talked for hours and blah blah blah" and he is literally swept away by this girl in the same whirlwind way he fell in love with me. Now I really wonder what he'll do and I wonder why I'm so...pissed and heartbroken. He's going out next weekend to visit her. We'll see what happens.
Tyson comes out next Tuesday. I have some stuff planned out and I really hope he enjoys the things I have planned out. Hopefully we do have a good time, this is really getting hard for us. It's not the distance, it really isn't. It's just...really it's insecurities and not being able to sufficiently communicate those insecurities or feeling safe enough to talk about it. He told me he thought about marriage. I wonder if he meant it or was just saying it because that's what he thinks I want to hear. I wonder if he really did think that...
My biggest issue is that I hate not knowing the future. I don't know when he'll come back to Colorado and I don't know how much longer either of us want to continue this long distance. I know we both want to see it through til at least we're in the same state but I'm worried about how long that'll take. I just want to know if I'm making the right decision and if this is going to be worth it in the end...
Last week, I went to see The Antlers in Boulder with Corey. I told Tyson ahead of time that I was going to the concert with him so it wouldn't be a surprise and I wouldn't have to lie to him about it. Corey and I decided to get up to Boulder right after we walked the dogs so we can have dinner and some drinks before the concert started. So we went to The Med and had a really great dinner and conversation and went to the Hill to hang out before the concert. All in all, I had a really great time. The band was amazing and it was so good to be back in Boulder and just hang out in my favorite places. Before going to the concert, Tyson had a long talk with me about him not trusting Corey and I took offense to that because he really meant that he couldn't trust me. He couldn't trust me to keep the boundaries clear with Corey and make sure he doesn't step over the line. So the whole night, I think Corey wanted to hold my hand or hug or whatever and I wouldn't let him. He was rubbing my back and shit and I told him to stop and he did. True, I had to repeat myself a couple times but for the most part, he kept his hands to himself.
After the concert, we drove home, talking and laughing and having a great time. I had a really amazing time just because I was hanging out in Boulder with good company and I felt good to be able to hang out with Corey and have such an amazing time. So we said good night and I called Tyson to let him know I got home ok. We ended up getting in a fight because he was just livid that I was hanging out with Corey. He kept telling me he didn't trust him, and that he didn't want me hanging out with him. It took awhile, but really we got to the root of the issue: he doesn't feel adequate to Corey.
He told me that he doesn't think that I can ever love him as much as I loved Corey. He told me that he's afraid that he'll always be second best to Corey. It was hard to hear because in some ways, there's truth to what he said. I did have strong feelings for Corey and I wonder if I'm ever going to feel that way again. Partly because I don't let myself get that close again, but also because I wonder if I'll find someone who makes me feel that way. In the end, I had to explain to him that he shouldn't compare himself and what we have to what I had with Corey. I've known Corey for 7 years, I've only known Tyson for 8 months. You can't compare the history and all that time we've gotten to know each other. I also told him it's a good thing I don't feel the same way for him as I did with Corey because obviously, it didn't work out between us. What I feel for both guys are completely different and that's ok. That's what it should be.
I guess after that conversation we were both wary of each other. I was also PMSing real bad so I was already bitchy and edgy and just...angry. So I spent the week being angry at him, being volatile, and calling him out on a bunch of things from his past that bothered me. I was super blunt and straight to the point and didn't sugar coat anything but that also meant that I didn't care what was coming out of my mouth and if that was hurtful or not. We ended up not talking for most of the weekend because I spent all of Saturday hanging out with Erika and going shopping with her. We ended up going out with David, Mitch, and Aisha and went out for drinks. I was feeling insecure, I was drunk, and I was just...exhausted. So when Tyson called me, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore. I told him fuck it, I'm done. He didn't try to fight me, he just let me break up with him.
Shortly after this, we all ended up going home. I was feeling numb and dazed so I called him. We had a long talk about everything and I left it to him to decide what he wants to do and that I'll give him space to decide. Basically I told him that I pulled that shit because I am extremely insecure with him about being sexually satisfying to him. He's had a more promiscuous past and I don't feel adequate enough for him or, I don't know, just not enough for him sexually. He told me I was more than enough and he really enjoys having sex with me so I guess I have to believe that.
I was anxious the next day. I was super depressed and just...lethargic and I slept almost all day long. It made the time go by quickly and all, but I couldn't help but be paranoid and worried and anxious. I was worried all day and waiting on tenterhooks to see if he would call. And he did...later that night.
He basically said he thought about it all day. He thought about what he wanted compared to what he thinks I wanted. And despite all that, he knew he wanted me and to be with me and he wanted to keep trying. I was so relieved, and having all day to be paranoid and really think about everything, I realized a lot about myself and my terrible relationship habits.
Basically, whenever things got tough with Corey and me, we would say "Fuck it" and leave. We would break up, make up, break up, make up. It was easier than talking about our problems and trying to solve it. Neither of us are confrontational and it was easier to ignore the problem and not deal with it. So it was so easy but it didn't solve anything and it didn't fix any of our problems. It sucked because our problems were always there and we didn't try and we didn't give a damn about trying to fix anything.
And that's how I felt. I felt tired and didn't want to keep trying and dealing with the fact that I felt inadequate to him. I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want him to know I felt so...worthless to him. I guess he felt the same way about me and Corey, how he didn't feel good enough. It's so weird that while he went through that the week before, I felt that exact same way and it really brought the issue home to me. I don't like feeling this way, and neither does he. I guess it puts things on an even ground and now we can really relate to each other. We both need to work on making each other feel important and adequate.
I know what I need to do as well. When I'm PMSing, I need to make sure to not take things out on him and be able to say, "look, I'm not in the greatest mood, I don't want to talk and I'll call you when I'm ready to have a good conversation without blowing up for no reason." I talked about that with Tyson and he agreed to that and he won't take offense when I need my space. I'm also trying to get another appointment with my gyno so I can change my birth control pills and see if something else helps.
So while I was breaking up and making up with Tyson last weekend, Corey was in Vegas. He admitted to me today that he met up and hooked up with some girl from LA. She's 29 and Korean. He definitely has a type...Anyway, he was like, "I've never felt this way about anyone in forever and we talked for hours and blah blah blah" and he is literally swept away by this girl in the same whirlwind way he fell in love with me. Now I really wonder what he'll do and I wonder why I'm so...pissed and heartbroken. He's going out next weekend to visit her. We'll see what happens.
Tyson comes out next Tuesday. I have some stuff planned out and I really hope he enjoys the things I have planned out. Hopefully we do have a good time, this is really getting hard for us. It's not the distance, it really isn't. It's just...really it's insecurities and not being able to sufficiently communicate those insecurities or feeling safe enough to talk about it. He told me he thought about marriage. I wonder if he meant it or was just saying it because that's what he thinks I want to hear. I wonder if he really did think that...
My biggest issue is that I hate not knowing the future. I don't know when he'll come back to Colorado and I don't know how much longer either of us want to continue this long distance. I know we both want to see it through til at least we're in the same state but I'm worried about how long that'll take. I just want to know if I'm making the right decision and if this is going to be worth it in the end...
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