I find it weird-the things I miss most about being Tyson's girlfriend. I miss making him breakfast on the weekends; I miss making the French toast, bacon, and eggs over easy. I miss doing loads of laundry and zoning out while I fold and fold his shirts and pants...
I haven't really thought about him too much. Sure, I still think about him and the things I've done right in the relationship with him, compared to the relationship I had with Corey and there are a few things I'm really proud of. First, I'm really proud of the fact that I was never jealous to the point where I attacked Tyson mercilessly when I was feeling insecure. I'm also proud of the fact that when we argued, I never yelled hysterically at him or completely blew up. I raised my voice, I'll admit it, but I never once screamed at him or cursed at him. And finally, the other huge thing that I made progress on was the fact that I found the courage to tell him what was bothering me and to confront him when something was bothering me.
It just makes me feel better because those were things I wasn't sure I could move on from after Corey. It gives me hope that the things I realized I did wrong with Tyson, I can change for the future. I know I still have a ways to go with the things I resolved with Corey, but it's nice to have a relationship under the belt where I was able to be a better person.
Tyson asked me what he did wrong and what he needs to change about himself. I didn't know what to say and I really didn't want to answer because I feel like those are things you need to realize yourself. It's one thing to have someone tell you what they didn't like about you because you feel like you're being attacked. You get defensive and think, "I never did that!" or other things along those lines. You have to realize what you did wrong because once you realize it, you'll change it for yourself and not because someone told you what you need to do differently. my co-workers and I have talked about it and Laura gave me some good advice. She said, "You shouldn't have to change yourself; at this point it's too late. You should try to improve yourself for you-not anyone else." I guess that's where my stance is. Sure, I know the things I can do to improve myself based off what I learned from this relationship. I'm going to work on those changes for me; not for my future boyfriend and definitely not for Tyson.
Sometimes I think about when Corey and I broke up and I tried so hard to make those changes he wanted in hopes that he'll want me back. I tried so hard, begged, and tried to make him see the positive steps I was taking based off of what he told me he didn't like about me. Looking back on it now, I'm so glad I made those changes for me, and not him. I made the changes I wanted to make regardless of what he wanted from me. I threw the things he didn't like about me out the window and you know what? Some of those things he hated about me, Tyson loved. I found out that I didn't need to change me, I just needed to improve me. And I improved the areas that I was ready to work and focus on.
I can't say that I'm happy again or things are looking up. Well, they kind of are, but there are moments where my heart gets crushed again but it is getting easier to...deal and function. I'm trying really hard to process as much of this as I can now because I don't want to have to face it later like in the winter where I'm already depressed because of the shitty weather.
Tyson's been going on long weekend rides every weekend since he got back. He says he keeps busy because he doesn't want to get depressed and think about things too much. By saying that, I already know that I'll never want him back; he won't even sit and feel anything because he doesn't want to deal with things right now. I know he'll probably call me in the winter when he can't go out on his bike and has to finally face the things I'm dealing with now. I know he will and I really hope I'm in a place emotionally and mentally that I won't take him back. I'll empathize and slightly sympathize, but that's really why I want to deal with this now. At least the weather is nice enough where I can hang out with friends after work without having to walk in the snow and blistering cold.
I know I'm not ready to date yet. I know that I can't even fathom doing anything sexual including making out. I know I'm not ready to be intimate with anyone and it kinda grosses me out that Austin keeps pressing it. If there's one thing I hope to improve on, it's that I really hope I make me boundaries clear and keep by them. That includes keeping Corey out of my life.
He called me in the wee dark hours Friday night/Saturday morning. He told me he couldn't be involved anymore. He was drunk. It hurt, I asked him that morning to be a man about it and tell me himself instead of ignoring me. So I guess he grew some fucking balls thanks to copious amounts of liquor and called me to tell me that he can't be friends. Then the stupid fuck texted me Sunday and asked if I wanted to go bowling. I reminded him that he told me he doesn't want to be involved and that was the last I spoke to him. I blocked and deleted him from everything so we'll see what happens or doesn't happen in the future.
It pisses me off and makes me sad that it took me this long to finally realize this about Corey. For some reason, I thought it could be different if we were friends instead of lovers. I thought he'd treat me better and with more respect but I was wrong. This is another reason why I won't get back together with Tyson because while I feel like I can move on to be a better me, Tyson won't. He blames himself for some things but I see him doing the same things in the future. I don't see him evolving from this. If we did get back together, he'll still be the same selfish person who has to get his needs and wants met first.
I will say this: despite those things, Tyson was a better boyfriend than Corey. This is another thing that gives me hope because I'm sure that my next boyfriend will be a better man for me.
I haven't really thought about him too much. Sure, I still think about him and the things I've done right in the relationship with him, compared to the relationship I had with Corey and there are a few things I'm really proud of. First, I'm really proud of the fact that I was never jealous to the point where I attacked Tyson mercilessly when I was feeling insecure. I'm also proud of the fact that when we argued, I never yelled hysterically at him or completely blew up. I raised my voice, I'll admit it, but I never once screamed at him or cursed at him. And finally, the other huge thing that I made progress on was the fact that I found the courage to tell him what was bothering me and to confront him when something was bothering me.
It just makes me feel better because those were things I wasn't sure I could move on from after Corey. It gives me hope that the things I realized I did wrong with Tyson, I can change for the future. I know I still have a ways to go with the things I resolved with Corey, but it's nice to have a relationship under the belt where I was able to be a better person.
Tyson asked me what he did wrong and what he needs to change about himself. I didn't know what to say and I really didn't want to answer because I feel like those are things you need to realize yourself. It's one thing to have someone tell you what they didn't like about you because you feel like you're being attacked. You get defensive and think, "I never did that!" or other things along those lines. You have to realize what you did wrong because once you realize it, you'll change it for yourself and not because someone told you what you need to do differently. my co-workers and I have talked about it and Laura gave me some good advice. She said, "You shouldn't have to change yourself; at this point it's too late. You should try to improve yourself for you-not anyone else." I guess that's where my stance is. Sure, I know the things I can do to improve myself based off what I learned from this relationship. I'm going to work on those changes for me; not for my future boyfriend and definitely not for Tyson.
Sometimes I think about when Corey and I broke up and I tried so hard to make those changes he wanted in hopes that he'll want me back. I tried so hard, begged, and tried to make him see the positive steps I was taking based off of what he told me he didn't like about me. Looking back on it now, I'm so glad I made those changes for me, and not him. I made the changes I wanted to make regardless of what he wanted from me. I threw the things he didn't like about me out the window and you know what? Some of those things he hated about me, Tyson loved. I found out that I didn't need to change me, I just needed to improve me. And I improved the areas that I was ready to work and focus on.
I can't say that I'm happy again or things are looking up. Well, they kind of are, but there are moments where my heart gets crushed again but it is getting easier to...deal and function. I'm trying really hard to process as much of this as I can now because I don't want to have to face it later like in the winter where I'm already depressed because of the shitty weather.
Tyson's been going on long weekend rides every weekend since he got back. He says he keeps busy because he doesn't want to get depressed and think about things too much. By saying that, I already know that I'll never want him back; he won't even sit and feel anything because he doesn't want to deal with things right now. I know he'll probably call me in the winter when he can't go out on his bike and has to finally face the things I'm dealing with now. I know he will and I really hope I'm in a place emotionally and mentally that I won't take him back. I'll empathize and slightly sympathize, but that's really why I want to deal with this now. At least the weather is nice enough where I can hang out with friends after work without having to walk in the snow and blistering cold.
I know I'm not ready to date yet. I know that I can't even fathom doing anything sexual including making out. I know I'm not ready to be intimate with anyone and it kinda grosses me out that Austin keeps pressing it. If there's one thing I hope to improve on, it's that I really hope I make me boundaries clear and keep by them. That includes keeping Corey out of my life.
He called me in the wee dark hours Friday night/Saturday morning. He told me he couldn't be involved anymore. He was drunk. It hurt, I asked him that morning to be a man about it and tell me himself instead of ignoring me. So I guess he grew some fucking balls thanks to copious amounts of liquor and called me to tell me that he can't be friends. Then the stupid fuck texted me Sunday and asked if I wanted to go bowling. I reminded him that he told me he doesn't want to be involved and that was the last I spoke to him. I blocked and deleted him from everything so we'll see what happens or doesn't happen in the future.
It pisses me off and makes me sad that it took me this long to finally realize this about Corey. For some reason, I thought it could be different if we were friends instead of lovers. I thought he'd treat me better and with more respect but I was wrong. This is another reason why I won't get back together with Tyson because while I feel like I can move on to be a better me, Tyson won't. He blames himself for some things but I see him doing the same things in the future. I don't see him evolving from this. If we did get back together, he'll still be the same selfish person who has to get his needs and wants met first.
I will say this: despite those things, Tyson was a better boyfriend than Corey. This is another thing that gives me hope because I'm sure that my next boyfriend will be a better man for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment