I guess I haven’t written in awhile and while I can blame depression and overall busy-ness, I guess it mostly has to do with the fact that I didn’t want to think. It’s a new year and I’m hoping to move on from the past and remain as optimistic as possible for the year 2011.
Although I will be honest when I say that it’s not coming off to a great start; my brother moved from Seattle in November and living with him in my tiny studio has driven me insane and resentful towards him, my family, and maybe has me lashing out at friends as my short temper is even shorter. Who knows, I can be making excuses. I guess I came to the conclusion of how much I genuinely enjoy being alone. I couldn’t stand living with Corey 95% of the time and with Tyson…well, I dunno, maybe it was like 40% of the time. It helped that we had different schedules but it sucked because our hours were so different and we’d wake each other up.
I’ve just been thinking a lot. I’ve been reminiscing about my past and feeling happy/sad/depressed about all my past events. In some ways I’m happy to remember those times but all the same, it’s making me think that maybe I should spend some time on myself and getting over a lot of my issues and insecurities. Besides, it’s not like I can date with my brother crashing on an air mattress 3 feet from me.
New year…what will it bring? I have some minor and major goals including moving out of my studio to a one bedroom and buying a car hopefully this year. I finally got a promotion although that won’t be effective till March or so, and now I have an office with gorgeous views of the mountains. I want to start dating again; I miss Tyson physically but I don’t miss him emotionally. I miss having an emotional connection with someone and I look forward to dating although I’m pretty sure I won’t try online dating again.
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with Fox and Heather and it has been a welcome change at times. I guess with old friends conversations get redundant and it doesn’t help that Erika and David and I all work together and see each other almost every day. Hanging out with Fox has been interesting and we had several talks establishing boundaries and actually respecting them. He and I went backpacking and snowshoeing in November and that ended up not working out very well. We’ve been mostly getting together every couple weeks and watching a movie and just catching up. Heather and I…it’s interesting, she’s a great person and fun to hang out with but we never have deep meaningful conversations so hanging out with her is sometimes like a distraction. You’re genuinely having a good time and it doesn’t have to be serious or complicated and emotional.
I miss having someone close. I miss being able to talk about my feelings however redundant and I feel like I used up that quota with David and Erika. I was able to see Megan over Christmas and it was so good to hang out with someone and catch up and just be real. I’m hoping that I can go out to San Antonio in February or March and spend like, half a week there.
I don’t know what I really want this year besides being able to move out. I want…something but I’m also expecting nothing. I feel like the last couple months have been a cleansing period because I got so much off my chest and made my boundaries clear with the people I don’t want in my life that I don’t have anything really stressing me out besides my family and unfortunately, try as I might, I can’t get them out of my life.
Maybe having little to no expectations will make 2011 pleasantly surprising and content.
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