I might be something someday

So much for trying to stay drama-free…

My dad was admitted into the hospital last Monday. Being my family, I didn’t find out about it until last Thursday. He’s still in there and I have no idea when he’ll get out. I called the hospital and talked with my aunt and uncle and it’s because of my dad’s diabetes. He hasn’t been taking care of himself and hasn’t been taking his medicine so on Monday he collapsed and my grandma had to call for an ambulance.

His health has been debilitating slowly over the past couple months. My uncle was paranoid that my dad might have suffered a series of mini-strokes because of the behavior my dad’s been displaying. My brother had been talking about his declining health and sanity for awhile but the inevitable happened at last. The good part of my dad going to the hospital is the fact that he got a CAT scan and a MRI and all that and besides his diabetes, he’s healthy. I don’t know if they’ve done a pysch evaluation on him or not; I’m not sure what the health rules and regulations in Washington are.

I know I haven’t been that close to my dad, ever, and I might even still be angry or hateful towards him but in the end, he is my dad. Even though I think it would be so much easier without him in my life, knowing that he’s in the hospital scares me. I don’t know what I’m more afraid of: not having a dad or being left with his debt and his mess. Either way, I’m still thankful that I’m far away from him and I don’t know how callous that makes me seem. I feel awful that my uncle is left with the burden of taking care of his family but it really is his choice. I guess his definition of familial obligations is completely different with mine.

Aside from that, I also got the news that my dog Sari died. I got her when I was 12 and she died last Monday. Again, I didn’t find out until way after the fact. I know it’s a lot to handle-my dad being in the hospital and my dog dying but I think I feel worse about Sari dying than my dad. He chose to not take his medicine or see a doctor for years and Sari didn’t really have a choice in anything. I’m just really sad that I won’t get to see her again and I was foolishly hoping that she would hang on for a few more years. I guess with my brother not being there and my dad going crazy, she just gave up. I knew she was in some pain-my brother told me she was going deaf and I knew her arthritis was bothering her.

It’s just…she was my best friend growing up. I had wanted a dog for so long and I finally got her and she was everything I could ask for in a dog. My parents were strict and wouldn’t let me hang out with friends so in high school and junior high, I spent a lot of time throwing the ball for Sari in the backyard or sneaking her good human food when no one was around. I don’t know…I knew she was old and in pain, and I knew she was no longer “my” dog, and I knew I haven’t seen her in awhile nor have I taken care of her, but I really feel like I lost the only reason to go back to the West Coast.

It just doesn’t seem like 2011 is off to a good start. I’m hoping things will pick up but who knows? I also found out that the promotion and raise won’t be as high as I was expecting. In fact, the reality is that my raise might only be $3,000 more than what I’m making currently which isn’t a lot. It’s frustrating because I have a college degree and 3 years of experience at my company. I’m hoping that I might get more but knowing how my company is, it seems very unlikely. I just feel discouraged from this and all the other personal events in my life.

But here are my hopes for this year. It’s only the first month; it can only get better, right? So here goes: I hope that with my raise, regardless of the amount, I can move out of my studio into a one bedroom in a nicer/quieter neighborhood. I don’t know where that is yet, but hopefully that can be done. I hope that I can buy a car in the next year or two. I hope that this will be a wake-up call for my dad and he’ll start taking care of himself again. I hope that Corey stays out of my life and he’s partly the reason why I want to move so badly. I hope that my brother figures his shit out and does something with his life.

I guess I should have said “I will” instead of “I hope” for my own personal goals. But I know I will be getting a raise, and with that I will be paying off my debt and saving more so moving out will happen. I just need to find a place that I like and it’ll happen. I need to start working on myself again and pulling myself out of these ruts.