My dad got out of the hospital on Sunday, of course, I didn’t find out until my brother and I called the hospital on Tuesday about him. I talked to him for a bit on Tuesday night; he sounds really weak and wheezy. He says he’s taking his blood sugar and injecting himself with insulin but I really don’t know if he’s doing as often as he should. I feel like I should at least call my uncle to see if he knows about my dad’s discharge information or contacting the hospital and see if he has a case worker or anything. I know I should be more proactive but I just can’t really motivate myself to go through with this. Maybe I’m afraid of knowing the truth about my dad’s health or having to shoulder that responsibility; I don’t know what it is and I feel like a bad daughter for not trying harder or even trying harder to care.
Besides that, I had a decent weekend. Pearce invited me to be his date for his company holiday party so I went up to Boulder for that. It was actually interesting since all of his co-workers are under the age of 40. Although, seeing how drunk they got and how Boulder they all are, it made me glad to be working with older professionals. I did want to work with more people my age but seeing/hearing them making plans to get wasted and stuff, I dunno, I can’t keep up with that anymore. And I don’t even want to do that anymore.
Tyson got in Colorado on Saturday morning. He wanted to hang out over the weekend so I stayed with him from Saturday night when I got back from Pearce’s office party until Monday morning. I don’t know how I feel about him; it was nice to get laid but besides that, it was nice to not care when he droned on and on about his house, the toys that he got, and all that other stuff.
It’s weird, he’s here and we haven’t talked since the weekend. I don’t know how often I’ll see him and how often I even want to see him. Yeah, the physical aspect of it is really nice, but hanging out at Anne Marie and Tyler’s house is weird and awkward. I know I’m not going to get anything from him and I feel like I’m wasting my time but because my brother’s here and I can’t really date, I feel like he’s the next best thing. Also, I really wonder if I’m even ready to start dating.
It’s surprising how lonely I feel. I don’t talk to Erika much anymore and I don’t really talk to my brother much either. If I’m looking to date because I’m lonely, that is really the wrong thing to do. I don’t want to fill the hole with someone or something; I want to be able to be comfortable and aware of myself before I bring someone else into my life. I just feel like the support system and social circle I had is slowly depleting and I realize I’m spending more and more of my weekends alone in my apartment.
Ugh…sometimes the friends I do see on a regular basis, I don’t really want to hang out with. It just gets redundant. It’s the same complaints, same stories, and same circumstances. It’s like this endless loop with nothing to break the monotony. I know that’s life, I know this happens in anything you do but it just all feels so discouraging and boring.
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