And you sink in your chair, brush the snow from your hair and drink the cold away

My dad's still sick. I went to visit him and it was the most heart breaking thing I've experienced. There was still my dad in this emaciated skeletal body; his mind was intact as was his memory. The worst thing he said to us as we were leaving was, "I'm so ashamed..."

He's still my dad. I'm not angry at him for the things that he's done to me or the lack of interest he's show in my personal life until maybe it's too late. I'm so incredibly jealous of my friends who have parents who actually care enough to take care of themselves and their family. It wouldn't have been so bad if my dad disowned me but still took care of himself.

And I feel so selfish admitting that; that I don't want to take care of my dad's shit. And it's not that, I knew that this day would come but I wasn't anticipating it for many more years when I finally have my own shit figured out; when I have my own family, when I have a real career, a house, when, when, when I'm ready to face the fact that I might be without a dad.

I wanted to be able to have my dad see me and be proud because I have a great job, I'm taking care of myself, I have a guy who's completely devoted to me, and maybe I'd have a family to show him besides pictures of my dog. I wanted him to meet my future husband and maybe give him a hard time but to be able to look at me and nod that he's ok with the guy.

I just want my dad's approval. I know he's somewhat proud of me; that I graduated college and have a job and am relatively self-reliant. I know he thinks I'm a good sister because I look out for my brother. I just want to show him that I am somebody and that I made it in his eyes.

While my dad is sick and in a nursing home, I'm getting dolled up, but not too dolled up, waiting for a guy to come over and fuck around with me so I can feel some kind of validation and self worth. While I'm busy freaking out about my dad, I'm going to get comfort in the cheapest way possible with drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex.

I'm going to let a guy treat me with indifference. I'm going to let a guy who is about as depressed as I am and shouldn't even be dating date me when he comes out here. I'm going to do this to myself because they only want one thing from me and that's attention. I don't have to talk to them about my feelings or fears and can keep it to myself because they won't give a shit. They don't want to know what's going on with me besides the very very superficial and that's about the only thing I can give anyone right now. I'm going to keep it about them while keeping myself closed off hoping that maybe someone will see me for who I am really am and actually give enough shits to do something about it aside from taking advantage of me.

And even though he's completely awful and selfish as ever, I miss Tyson. Not him specifically, but the way we were together. I miss the way he would pull me towards him while we were asleep and just cuddle and spoon me. I don't know when I'll get that again. I miss aspects of a relationship that I know I won't get from anyone in awhile.

I date selfish guys because I like to be the one to take care of someone but secretly I'm wishing someone could take care of me. I don't know what I'd do if I actually dated a nice guy and he took care of me. The familiar is just so much easier and predictable.

I do these things and know for a fact that I'm not making myself happy and that my dad would be more disappointed in me if he knew I was doing this to myself. I just want to make him proud of me and instead, I'm too afraid to try and keep fucking myself up.