And maybe this is part of growing up but I've been thinking more of a relationship that might, one day, lead to a marriage and maybe a family...
I know I'm not in a position to be in a relationship as I feel that I'm emotionally unavailable. I have too many thoughts in my head that I can't figure them all out. Or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse because maybe the guys that I do want are not right for me in the long term and I'm trying to justify having the tiniest of feelings for them with wanting a relationship.
After Corey, I swore I wouldn't get too close to another guy unless I had a gut feeling that it would be worth it. As close as I was with Tyson, and experiencing some emotional growth, I didn't let him too close. I don't know what would hurt more: telling someone everything about me and letting them see me for who I am and getting dumped or having them not care. I think their carelessness would hurt more than getting dumped.
It just seems that most guys want me for sex and in some ways, it's flattering but at the same time, demeaning. I know I have an outgoing personality and a flirty one at that, but that doesn't mean that there isn't more substance to me. I'm glad guys think I'm fun and have a good time hanging out with me, but I wish they would be ok with just hanging out with me and not want or expect anything else but friendship. I don't know how I meet so many guys who think they're entitled to having sex with me just because I pay them the tiniest bit of attention; the same kind of attention that I dish out to everyone. For some reason, those guys seem to read more into it than others.
I had a weird dream today where I was trying to get away from Tyson who kept trying to hug me. It was just quick flashes but incredibly vivid in the sense that I could smell his deodorant and feel the exact weight of his arm as he tried to hold me close. It was so realistic and it was him as I last remember him. I don't know what the dream means, but it has left an uneasy feeling for me all day.
I know I'm not in a position to be in a relationship as I feel that I'm emotionally unavailable. I have too many thoughts in my head that I can't figure them all out. Or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse because maybe the guys that I do want are not right for me in the long term and I'm trying to justify having the tiniest of feelings for them with wanting a relationship.
After Corey, I swore I wouldn't get too close to another guy unless I had a gut feeling that it would be worth it. As close as I was with Tyson, and experiencing some emotional growth, I didn't let him too close. I don't know what would hurt more: telling someone everything about me and letting them see me for who I am and getting dumped or having them not care. I think their carelessness would hurt more than getting dumped.
It just seems that most guys want me for sex and in some ways, it's flattering but at the same time, demeaning. I know I have an outgoing personality and a flirty one at that, but that doesn't mean that there isn't more substance to me. I'm glad guys think I'm fun and have a good time hanging out with me, but I wish they would be ok with just hanging out with me and not want or expect anything else but friendship. I don't know how I meet so many guys who think they're entitled to having sex with me just because I pay them the tiniest bit of attention; the same kind of attention that I dish out to everyone. For some reason, those guys seem to read more into it than others.
I had a weird dream today where I was trying to get away from Tyson who kept trying to hug me. It was just quick flashes but incredibly vivid in the sense that I could smell his deodorant and feel the exact weight of his arm as he tried to hold me close. It was so realistic and it was him as I last remember him. I don't know what the dream means, but it has left an uneasy feeling for me all day.
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