It's been awhile. It's been almost a year since my dad died and I am still trying to deal with it - deal with knowing that he's gone and although I didn't talk to him as much as I wanted to, it feels weird knowing that I can't and won't talk to him again. At least in person.
He died on my 28th birthday. I was drunk. I was in the mountains where I shouldn't even have had reception but I did. And it was terrible. I wanted to be alone and with someone all at once but everyone I called was unavailable and the ones that were near with me were the ones I didn't want near me.
And it's been a tough year. I dated Warren, a guy I didn't even want to date in the first place, for a lot longer than I should have. We held onto each other even if we were both incapable of offering any kind of support for one another. We held on with a desperation that turned into an overwhelming sense of failure and hopelessness.
I feel terrible for dating him when I didn't want him; I wanted Casey. He was unavailable and didn't want to deal with my depression and Warren was just...there. He was/is a really nice kid and I feel terrible for being such a cunt and so distant while we were dating. I really should have let him go.
But like I said, I'm ok. I'm trying to move on. I might never find a guy I want to spend the rest of my life with but I'm ok with that. I know that not everyone should get married and I'm ok with spending the rest of my life by myself. I know I can take care of myself, and that I can rely on myself and that is so much more important than hoping and looking for someone to take care of me.
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