I have these dreams that my dad miraculously gets better and is able to walk and talk. And I hate waking up because I know it was just a dream and I get so angry and upset that my dad is still sick and dying slowly. Sometimes I wonder if he's just holding on, even when he doesn't want to, because my brother and I cried and begged him to hang on.
I just want him to be proud of me for something more than graduating college. I feel like I have done nothing else with my life that will make him proud. I work a job I hate, I haven't had a real relationship since college, I have no prospects of marriage or children, and I am still trying to find myself. I feel like I have done so little to make him proud because I am not proud of anything I have done with my life thus far.
And I'm not even making myself happy; I am drunk more days out of the week than I am sober. I do drugs. I have meaningless sex with a guy that I like, but know I could never have a relationship with. And I'd rather fuck around with him than look for someone who might be worth dating because I'm too scared, lazy, and afraid of failing that I'd rather waste my time with my fuck buddy.
I'm 27 and I want nothing more than my dad's approval and to hear him say that he's proud of me. I feel like the only way I'll hear that from him is when I finally make myself happy enough to be motivated and once he sees me happy, I think it would give him a peace of mind. I think, in some ways, he's hanging on to make sure that I am truly happy and there's someone other than my dog who truly cares about me and loves me; every little, tiny part of me.
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