I have a lot of friends with daddy issues; both guys and girls. I guess I never really thought about my own issues with my dad and sometimes I wonder if I would have been a different person if my relationship with my dad was stronger.
I used to hold a lot of anger towards my dad; mostly because he never let me do anything I wanted to do whether it was hanging out with friends or taking music lessons. My dad's a control freak and he likes to, I dunno, I guess "be the man" and control his wife, kids, dog, whatever. Not that we even had a dog until much later in life. Anyway, growing up was a pain in the ass, I was the super naive sheltered kid who had separation anxiety and then a "rebellious" streak as a pseudo goth in high school. I mean, I was always a smart kid on the honor roll and all, but inevitably, apathy took a hold of me.
My dad didn't like a lot of the things that he signed my brother and I up for. He always had a complaint about the teacher or about the thing we were learning. He wanted us to be musical but pulled us out after less than a year, wanted us in sport but pulled us out after a few games/matches, wanted us to be talented in something but never let us in long enough to really develop anything worthwhile.
I guess I hate him a little for that. There was no reason to pull us out; we had enough money then and yeah, my brother and I bitched about some of the things we were forced to do, but the activities we really enjoyed doing was something we didn't want to give up. I resent him for that. Despite his constant control over my life, I have to give him credit and I can't be angry. If he did let me hang out with my friends whenever I wanted in high school I could have been a lot worse than I was. My friends weren't the studious, academic type and they went to raves and did drugs, did drugs at home, and yeah, sometimes got into trouble as all kids will. I'm not saying I never did drugs in high school nor will I deny that I had sex, but I think I would have been a lot worse if my dad wasn't holding the leash.
I think it effected who I am though. I have a tendency to be controlling and super apathetic. Maybe I have acute agoraphobia because I really don't like leaving the house. I don't really know how this could have affected my relationship with men; I truly get grossed out by older men hitting on me and I really don't find anyone over the age of 30 attractive. Ugh, gross...just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. Kristin has a penchant for older men...it's the nastiest thing about her.
Anyway, true, in my 24 years of life and I dunno, 7 boyfriends I have made terrible, terrible choices. In high school I liked the pale scrawny goth/emo kids, in college I liked the frat boys and currently, I don't even know what I like. I've had such bad luck but then again, I dated guys from probably the most extreme ends of the guy spectrum. I get so bored with them too...I like them slightly predictable and ultimately that is their downfall.
My dad and I don't talk much about my personal life. I don't think he knows who my friends are let alone any of the guys I've dated besides Corey. He's never met my boyfriends minus Corey, I don't think he's met my friends since high school, and I don't think he knows how old I am most of the time. It's awkward and uncomfortable talking to him and while I don't hold grudges at this point, I don't know how to start talking to him.
It makes me a little jealous when I see Megan having a good relationship with her dad; let alone being able to talk to him. I don't really know of Kristin's relationship but obviously he supported her through all of her crazy antics and even motivated her to do something she loves. It's like my dad and I are strangers.
I don't think he'll be at my wedding. He wasn't there for college graduation because of the whole thing with my mom and he thought she'd be there. I just know that when I get married, I won't have both parents there. I guess I should have learn to expect that; it's not like they were both there for any of my past life events.
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