You know, it would be so nice to stay home longer than a week. The Oklahoma JAD sessions aren't really on schedule so they keep scheduling more and more site visits and it's really starting to get tedious and annoying. I know I don't have much of a life but still, there's something magical about sleeping in your own bed in your own apartment surrounded by all of your little comforts. Plus, I've been paranoid about bed bugs or the quality of the laundry detergent that the hotels use because my legs are covered in a rash and they're super itchy.
Despite my complaints, I am grateful for the experience and I'm hoping that I can move up the ladder at work. I don't know if that's possible with the economic crisis but still, getting a higher salary would be amazing. I have so much accrued debt that I don't know when I'll be able to pay it off.
I guess I've been looking back at my life because I'm turning 25 next week. I'll be 25 and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I like to think that I'm in a better frame of mind than last year but still, I have the same job and have no social life or prospects of a life at all. I'm completely stuck and I feel like I haven't made any great strides in trying to decide what I want to do with my life let alone what I want to accomplish for the year. I just feel like my life is wasting away and there's nothing I can do about it. Sure, most of it is due to apathy but I don't know, I'll be honest in saying that this isn't where I imagined I would be at 25. What I had imagined, I don't quite know but it wasn't this.
I was one of those stupidly naive people that charted out their life. I knew I would graduate high school at 17. Go to college at 18. Graduate from college with a BA at 21. Get a job. Get married at 24. Have first kid by 27. No more kids after 30. Gross, huh? Obviously I am not married and the first kid at 27? Forget it. Not happening. But I can't help but be a little disappointed that life is not going according to plan. Granted, if it did, would I be happier? I was so vague when planning; it's not like I had a set career choice at all; just that I wanted a job and be married. Is that where my priorities in life is? Marriage? Happiness/Completeness in someone else? It's so frustrating to me...
I look at some of my friends who are married or getting married and I secretly thank God that I'm not one of them. But a tiny part of me really wishes that I can get that part of my life checked off the "to-do" list. Who would I have married? I look back on all my ex-boyfriends and none of them are marriage material and I don't think they will be. At least not for me, which would be a good thing since we're not together. I used to think Megan was weird for not wanting to date someone unless she can see them potentially getting married but now I think she's right. I spent way too much of my time dating the wrong kind of guys because it was something then and now that who knows what or who I could have missed out on. I guess that's what I need to do more; try to find guys to date that could be a long term commitment rather than someone to pass the time with.
Lately I've been quite peeved at Kristin. David and I haven't really heard from her, minus a voicemail each, since she was here almost a month ago. I know I have called at least once or twice a week and left her voicemails with nothing in return. She calls us when she knows we're at work and probably can't answer the phone. I don't know if she does this on purpose knowing that we won't answer but if that's the case, what kind of friend is she and what kind of friend does she expect us to be when we can't talk to her? It's not like we don't try, we call her and leave voicemails but she doesn't call us back. She has expressed several times that she feels like she doesn't have many friends and now I know why. It sucks because she is such a close friend and I love her dearly and think of her as someone I can talk to but now it's getting harder and harder. I have a feeling that she'll say to me that she feels like she's losing touch with David and I and accuse us of not being there for her when we have been trying to be there in her life. When her dad was sick and dying David and I sent care packages, letters, flowers, and constant phone calls to show our support. We would still do that and try to do that but it feels like a one way road. I don't expect her to send me flowers or anything like that, I just want her to talk to me.
The rare time that we actually talk, and this has been happening for months, I feel like there's nothing to talk about. My life goes on and since it's been weeks since I last talked with her, I forget what has happened in the last couple of weeks. She says she's busy all the time but really, too busy to call a friend and leave a voicemail? Too busy to talk to someone when you're not driving? Even if she's browsing online, she can call one of us to let us know what she's up to, how she's doing, and we can catch her up with what's new in our lives.
I'm frustrated. I'm stuck. And most of all, I'm lost.
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