I'm going to Washington for a week on Saturday and it's got me thinking about a lot of random things. Mostly they're all family related but there are a few other little things like worrying about Cooper and mail. Although I did find a (hopefully) good dog sitter and David will have the keys for mail so I guess I shouldn't worry about that.
Awhile ago mom IMed me asking me to tell dad to call her so they can figure out the divorce/separation/whatever. It makes me mad and uncomfortable to be the middle man and I asked her why she doesn't just call dad herself. I even offered to give her his cell phone number so she won't have to call the house line. She said that dad doesn't want to talk to her if it's going to be about divorce and will just hang up on her. While I can see why she's frustrated, it pisses me off that she asks Anthony and me to do all the talking for her or try to persuade my dad into talking with her. My dad's an asshole and I know it, but I don't want to deliberately piss him off by telling him to call mom to talk about divorce. I know it isn't fair for either of them and I wish they could both be adults and just figure something out while leaving Anthony and me out of all their shit.
So I'm kind of nervous and wary of going back to Washington. I know it's been almost 4 years and at some point I would have to go but I wish I didn't have to. It's not that I don't want to see my dad, Mr. Kim or Sari; I just don't want to deal with my uncle, aunt, or grandma. Plus I know dad's super depressed and I don't think me going out there is going to help at all because I know he wants me to move closer. And to make it that much more enticing, my uncle keeps calling me a dumbass for not planning the trip out to where it would be convenient for him and Jin and Brodie to come and see me. I finally told him that I was going out there to see dad and I can go out some other time to see his family. Besides, Brodie's only 3; it's not like he'll have any idea who I am and will probably be shy and just stare at me or something.
Anyway, another thing that's bothering me is that mom will occasionally bring up dating or marriage. It makes me uncomfortable. I know she's still young and deserves a second chance or whatever, but no matter what, my dad is still my dad. I don't think I can handle knowing that my mom is dating another man or can even marry someone else. In all likelihood, the man will also be divorced with children my age. Gross. I'm afraid of her getting hurt, mistreated...just basically I'm afraid that she'll end up with another guy like my dad and I wouldn't be able to help her. I can't help but to feel resentment towards her for even wanting to date. She lives in Korea, she can date someone and not have to tell me about it. I don't think I would ever want to know. I also don't want her to get remarried. I think it's partly because I'm selfish but again, it has to do with my dad. I don't want him to be hurt about this. Originally when they separated I thought dad would date first or I dunno, bring up the subject. He's still in love with my mom and although I know they're not right for each other and she's never coming back, I just wish that they can just break it off and live their separate lives without me having to know about it.
Which makes me think that maybe I'm not that close to my family or to anyone. I would far rather do thing behind the backs of the people I care about. I don't know why; maybe it's partly out of embarrassment or if it's a relationship thing, maybe because I don't expect it to go anywhere so why bother telling someone about a fling that'll only last a month? I get upset when people do it to me though, and I feel like a hypocrite. I have this weird feeling of self-entitlement that I can do something but feel wronged when someone does the same thing to me. I felt that way about Corey and I knew I was doing shit behind his back but I never told him; probably never will. And I'm still doing shit with him behind the backs of everyone who cares about me. Sometimes I feel so self-destructive because I know that when my friends find out about the whole Corey thing they would be so pissed and probably won't talk to me. I feel that way about my family. I don't think my dad would be very happy with me if he knew that Corey and I had gotten back together for awhile. The only person I can tell most of the things to is Mr. Kim. I know he judges me and sometimes I tell him things way after the fact, but I dunno, even though I know he's upset at me and hates me life choices, I don't feel like he'll ever tell me that I suck and fuck off, I never want to talk to you again.
And another tiny thing that's bothering me is that Tyson and I cancelled our date tonight because it's his friend's memorial today. It just makes me wary because I am leaving for a week and I don't know if he'll want to hang out when I get back. I think he might, but I'm afraid that he'll meet someone else and have a better connection with her. I was talking to Corey about it and he said that Tyson is probably interested in me because guys don't cuddle just for the hell of it. Who knows, sometimes I think he just says things to be nice. Although I guess I can always count on honest advice from him; at this point we don't want much, if anything, from each other besides sex.
All in all, I've just been thinking about everything. About all the things I;m afraid to do but want to do, about the walls I put up for myself, about the fact that I fall quickly for guys only to have it backfire, and the fact that when I feel slighted, I do things that I know I'll regret. God...maybe I should just take a break from life and figure something, anything, out about myself.
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