I guess I have a lot on my mind and I'm feeling slightly nostalgic and slightly jaded. I've been thinking a lot about my relationship with Corey and I guess now I can kind of see the effort of the little things that he did for me even when we were broken up.
Sometimes you can't help but compare someone you're dating with a past relationship. I'm really happy with the relationship I have with Tyson because it's one that's actually healthy but at the same time, I can't help but think back on the relationship I had with Corey when things were going well for us. I know I shouldn't really compare because Corey and I were together for years rather than the 4 months (technically 3 months) that Tyson and I have been together.
Corey did little things that really added up. Sure, he sucked at the big things like helping around the house and cooking, but he really remembered the things that I liked. I remember he went snowboarding with his friends last spring and when he came back he bought me these gummy candies I love but can never really find in the grocery stores. It took me aback because we were broken up at that point and pretty pissed with each other. It was just nice to know that sometimes he thought of me when he saw something that he knew I would like. I honestly don't know if Tyson knows anything about me yet. We spend an awful lot of time together but we don't really talk about likes and dislikes. Sure, I guess some of those things are things you learn as time passes.
Corey used to buy me flowers. Sometimes he did really little sweet things but most of the time, he failed as a human being. I remember when we lived in Iowa and it was the weekend before my abortion and I was trying to pack up my life and I was nervous, scared, and feeling crazed and Corey left me to hang out with his friends in Kansas City or some place. I was never more shocked and appalled by him than at that point; I told him I hated him and I meant it. I remember him looking crushed because he knew I meant it. I thought he'd stay and help me, comfort me, keep me sane, but instead, he left.
And I remember when we went to get the abortion, I was scared shitless but trying not to show it and I was nervous and all I could do was try to control my breathing because I felt like I was seconds away from a panic attack. We went to Planned Parenthood and they took their bloody ass time getting me into the surgery room. I guess they did it that way so I had plenty of time to back out if I wanted to. All Corey did was complain at how long it was taking because it literally took about 6 hours for us to finally get the procedure done. The whole time he was complaining saying things like, "I'm missing shit at work for this" and "Ugh, I'm hungry, I'd rather be doing something else" while I was literally sweating every drop of water out of my body thanks to nerves. I remember getting frustrated and telling him to fucking leave then, I'll take a cab home or I'll call him when it's over. I have never felt so abandoned and alone. It's not like I was excited to go in there and have them do god knows what on me. I didn't want the baby, I didn't want it and I don't regret getting one but I regret the way it went down.
The nurse had Corey sit in the operation room with me; probably for comfort but once she saw the look of disdain on his face, she didn't treat him very well. She was very strict and abrasive with him and finally I felt like someone was on my side. They gave me some kind of sedative and even though I was awake for it, I don't remember much about it besides feeling uncomfortable and at some point, I tried to edge away from them saying, "OK, I've had enough..."
Sometimes I do miss how comfortable we were around each other and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to find that kind of comfort with anyone else. Sometimes I miss his sense of humor and how sometimes it felt like we could read each other's mind. But I think back on the way he treated me and the way he'll treat me if we ever get back together. We have a ton of history together, both good and bad, and I just wish I could forget all about that history we had together.
I told a few of my friends that I had an abortion. It kind of amazes me when people say shit like, "Oh yeah, if I got accidentally pregnant I'd have one." I just stare at them because it's not easy, the surgery isn't that bad but it's the feelings of guilt and shame that will eat away at you. It's really your choice on whether you think that abortion is the best option. At the time, it was for me. I had broken up with a guy who wouldn't stay with me just because we were having a kid together and I didn't want to stay with him either. I didn't have any insurance, anything saved up, and I had just been let go. I could never carry a baby to term, have it, only to give it up for adoption. The life I would give at that point would be a terrible one; I was not mentally or emotionally fit to have a kid.
Kirstin had a pregnancy scare in New Zealand. We talked about what she would have done and she was planning on keeping it. She was going to drop out of CU and live with her parents so they could help her out. That answer was very Kristin, she would have that baby and unfortunately, I think her parents would have raised it because she wasn't exactly mature at that point in life. Megan tells me she would have done the exact same thing if she was in my situation. And I think if she needed to get one, she would be able to handle the guilt associated with it because I know that would tear Kristin apart.
Tyson told me that he and an ex had an abortion. I know it shouldn't bother me because I definitely don't want to be judged because I had one too, but I was a little turned off when he told me.
No comments:
Post a Comment