Lately I've been really intrigued by those who have a very strong faith and belief in God. I was raised Catholic and while I believe in a higher power, I don't necessarily think that is God. Nor am I really religious; I'm not devout, I don't go to church, read the Bible, or really have faith in much of anything including myself. It's so...mind-boggling to see people who are so devout and so accepting of something that's hard to believe in. It's like, is it brain washing? What is it that makes smart, normal people completely give their lives and believe and trust in something so unfailingly? I'm almost in awe of their faith. I'm envious of their unwavering belief.
Sometimes I wish I could just trust and believe in something. I feel like I've been jaded and I do crave something that I can put myself behind whole-heartedly. I have a really hard time trusting and believing in my relationships. I don't know if I can really trust that the person I'm with really likes me or wants to be with me and that uncertainty is what ends up driving them away.
I talked with Lynn about how I have a hard time expressing myself. I have always felt like no one really cares about my feelings because no one wants to know. I don't like sharing them with anyone because honestly, would anybody care? And that's the biggest problem Tyson has with me. I do this thing when something pisses me off I get quiet because I think about whether this is something to get mad about or if I really care. Most of the time I decide it's not worth mentioning but when I come to the conclusion that something does bother me, I don't know how to bring it up. I used to have an explosive, dramatic, emotional outbursts and I really tried to curb that in. I can't seem to find a happy middle ground that'll make me and the other person happy.
I've had a lot of time to self-reflect and obviously, a therapy appointment to really think about my relationship with Tyson. I feel like I focus on all the minor negative aspects about him to make myself not like him as much, or not trust in him and us. It's really wearing him down and I realize that I'm doing these things because I really do like him. That if things fall apart it'll be my fault because I'm doubting him and us, I'm the one who is emotionally shutting down, and I'm the one pushing him away. That'll be easier to deal with than "Oh, I don't like you anymore. I don't love you anymore, there's nothing about you that makes me happy anymore."
I do really like him. I have to convince myself to have faith, to trust, and to believe in the potential that I can have with him.
I talked with Lynn about how I have a hard time expressing myself. I have always felt like no one really cares about my feelings because no one wants to know. I don't like sharing them with anyone because honestly, would anybody care? And that's the biggest problem Tyson has with me. I do this thing when something pisses me off I get quiet because I think about whether this is something to get mad about or if I really care. Most of the time I decide it's not worth mentioning but when I come to the conclusion that something does bother me, I don't know how to bring it up. I used to have an explosive, dramatic, emotional outbursts and I really tried to curb that in. I can't seem to find a happy middle ground that'll make me and the other person happy.
I've had a lot of time to self-reflect and obviously, a therapy appointment to really think about my relationship with Tyson. I feel like I focus on all the minor negative aspects about him to make myself not like him as much, or not trust in him and us. It's really wearing him down and I realize that I'm doing these things because I really do like him. That if things fall apart it'll be my fault because I'm doubting him and us, I'm the one who is emotionally shutting down, and I'm the one pushing him away. That'll be easier to deal with than "Oh, I don't like you anymore. I don't love you anymore, there's nothing about you that makes me happy anymore."
I do really like him. I have to convince myself to have faith, to trust, and to believe in the potential that I can have with him.
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