Right when I tell myself that I'll trust this relationship with Tyson and manage to coherently tell him so, I end up shooting myself in the foot. The last couple weeks have been stressful for both Tyson and I because he told me that it's probable that he won't be able to leave Idaho until July. It sucks because yeah, the distance is hard and it seems ridiculous to be in apart longer than we've been together, but really what I find the hardest is that he doesn't empathize with me. I know how hard everything must be for him, I can imagine what he's going through, and I want to be there for him but it feels like he wants the focus put on his needs and fears rather than mine. Like he wants me to be the rock while he falls apart a little.
So now I'm going out there again at the end of the month for a couple of days. I'm excited to see him and after my therapy session today and some chats with Erika and David, I feel a lot better about it. I know now what is really bothering me about long distance and it's the simple fact that those small day-to-day interactions are being missed. I like having those nights in bed watching TV and talking about nothing. I like being able to reach over and kiss and hug him when I want to. I do like having some space between us but all the same, I just want to spend time with him because that's how I feel like you get to know a person better.
But I know what I don't want for him. I don't want him to burn bridges and leave on a bad note because I know how hard he's worked to get this job and to be in this profession. I know his job makes him happy and this is what he worked for and I don't want him to do anything that might jeopardize that. I guess that makes me much more mature because I couldn't do that for Corey. And yeah, I can only base a long distance relationship off of the one I had with Corey when we were in our 20's. This is significantly different and I am in a better state of emotional being where I feel like I can handle this.
It's going to get harder rather than better. I just have to brace myself for that and know that when he does move out here, I'll have plenty of the face-to-face time that I'm needing. I just need to be more confident in this and have faith; like I said last time. I have to keep reminding myself that things will work out and if it doesn't, I can get over it.
I've been talking and hanging out with Corey more often. We went out to dinner a few weeks ago and hung out again last Monday. It's just nice talking to someone who truly gets me but at the same time, I feel that pang of disappointment. It's not that I want to get back with him, but I feel like when I do hang out with him I just feel like no one will get me like he does and that's one of my biggest fears. I feel like I take a couple steps back in my relationship with Tyson because I already have someone who gets me in my life so why should I waste that time and energy for Tyson to get to know me? At the same time, I don't know how to stop myself from hanging out with him because I am lonely. I miss having Tyson here and if he was, I know I wouldn't be hanging out with Corey.
I feel so bad for both Tyson and Corey's gf. It's like, the more we hang out the stronger our feelings get for each other. We start thinking of all the good times and think, yeah, maybe this can work again even though deep down we know it will never happen. It's not that I want him sexually, I just want someone there to talk to and someone who gets me. I don't get that from David or Erika, or really, anyone because I can't be totally comfortable around them. I like being able to talk about anything and everything without feeling like a bad person or feeling like I need to censor some things.
And the nice thing is, I do feel that way with Tyson. I know I can say whatever and even if he thinks that I'm terrible for thinking/saying that, he won't hold it against me. I know I can wait for him until July or even longer, but I'm really going to miss having that friend that's always around and someone I can be myself with.
So now I'm going out there again at the end of the month for a couple of days. I'm excited to see him and after my therapy session today and some chats with Erika and David, I feel a lot better about it. I know now what is really bothering me about long distance and it's the simple fact that those small day-to-day interactions are being missed. I like having those nights in bed watching TV and talking about nothing. I like being able to reach over and kiss and hug him when I want to. I do like having some space between us but all the same, I just want to spend time with him because that's how I feel like you get to know a person better.
But I know what I don't want for him. I don't want him to burn bridges and leave on a bad note because I know how hard he's worked to get this job and to be in this profession. I know his job makes him happy and this is what he worked for and I don't want him to do anything that might jeopardize that. I guess that makes me much more mature because I couldn't do that for Corey. And yeah, I can only base a long distance relationship off of the one I had with Corey when we were in our 20's. This is significantly different and I am in a better state of emotional being where I feel like I can handle this.
It's going to get harder rather than better. I just have to brace myself for that and know that when he does move out here, I'll have plenty of the face-to-face time that I'm needing. I just need to be more confident in this and have faith; like I said last time. I have to keep reminding myself that things will work out and if it doesn't, I can get over it.
I've been talking and hanging out with Corey more often. We went out to dinner a few weeks ago and hung out again last Monday. It's just nice talking to someone who truly gets me but at the same time, I feel that pang of disappointment. It's not that I want to get back with him, but I feel like when I do hang out with him I just feel like no one will get me like he does and that's one of my biggest fears. I feel like I take a couple steps back in my relationship with Tyson because I already have someone who gets me in my life so why should I waste that time and energy for Tyson to get to know me? At the same time, I don't know how to stop myself from hanging out with him because I am lonely. I miss having Tyson here and if he was, I know I wouldn't be hanging out with Corey.
I feel so bad for both Tyson and Corey's gf. It's like, the more we hang out the stronger our feelings get for each other. We start thinking of all the good times and think, yeah, maybe this can work again even though deep down we know it will never happen. It's not that I want him sexually, I just want someone there to talk to and someone who gets me. I don't get that from David or Erika, or really, anyone because I can't be totally comfortable around them. I like being able to talk about anything and everything without feeling like a bad person or feeling like I need to censor some things.
And the nice thing is, I do feel that way with Tyson. I know I can say whatever and even if he thinks that I'm terrible for thinking/saying that, he won't hold it against me. I know I can wait for him until July or even longer, but I'm really going to miss having that friend that's always around and someone I can be myself with.
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