Life has been a bit confusing, hectic, and boring for the last couple of weeks. My dad finally left for Korea a couple weeks ago and he's been there for awhile now. He met up with my mom and from what she told me, it sounds like he's willing to go forth with a divorce and sign papers. I still don't know where and who he's staying with while he's out there; he hasn't called me and when he calls Mr. Kim he hangs up before my brother can ask him any questions.
Things with Tyson literally goes up and down every week. I was and maybe still am, very angry about the whole visit we last had. I feel like I owe it to our relationship to see where it can go when he's actually here and give it an honest shot then. I don't expect him to move out any sooner than July and I'm ok with that. It's just...I don't know what it is I really want from him. Sometimes I know I can make myself happy and I'm so proud of that fact, and I really wonder what the point of having a boyfriend is when I can make myself happy without relying on someone else for my personal happiness.
I was lacking that self knowledge when I was dating Corey. I really relied on him to make me happy and I didn't have any self worth unless Corey was acknowledging me. Nor did I have an identity because my whole life revolved around him. I realized that huge, huge mistake and have worked really hard to be ok on my own and not have to rely on some guy to make me feel special, wanted, or loved because I can provide that for myself. And hopefully by doing so I can be a better girlfriend.
Tyson doesn't really see it that way; he doesn't feel like he's needed because he doesn't see where he fits in with my philosophy of making myself happy. I tried so many times to tell him that while I don't need to be in a relationship, I want to be in one with him. It took 9 different ways of saying it to him, 9 different times of getting frustrated and angry with him and myself, and 9 times before I wanted to shut down and stop talking about it and cry. It felt like to me, I had to reach that ultimate last resort before he finally listened and took it for what it's worth. At the advice of my therapist, I told him that I needed him to really listen to me and my needs because if I feel like my needs aren't being met through a simple gesture such as listening, this isn't going to work. So I'm willing to give him a try to prove to me that he can listen to me and take things seriously.
I had a really good weekend with Corey. My old laptop finally died and he and I went computer shopping. We had lunch, he helped me set up my new laptop, bought me doughnuts and just hung out. It's really nice to finally reach that place in our friendship where I can rely on him to help me out without wanting something sexual in return. We had a nice talk today and basically, although I don't necessarily get all my needs met from Tyson, if we break up I'm really going to miss having someone to talk with. After Megan moved, I don't have a best friend here and no one to really talk to and be myself around. Tyson provides that for me. I can talk to him about anything and joke about anything with him and I don't have to hold back.
Erika and I have been hanging out more often and she's really becoming a good friend I can talk to about my issues and whatever. I can joke around with her which is surprising since she seems so conservative and prim but she gets my jokes. The only thing I don't like about her is that sometimes I feel like she's really analyzing everything I say to her because of her psychology background. But who knows, I know I've been there for her and I hope that's been helpful to her because she's still torn up about Clay.
Anyway, I'm going out to Boise next Wednesday and I told Tyson that I would like to do some things that sound interesting to me around town. I really hope he listened to that and I'll see if he is going to take it seriously and take my needs and wants seriously.
Things with Tyson literally goes up and down every week. I was and maybe still am, very angry about the whole visit we last had. I feel like I owe it to our relationship to see where it can go when he's actually here and give it an honest shot then. I don't expect him to move out any sooner than July and I'm ok with that. It's just...I don't know what it is I really want from him. Sometimes I know I can make myself happy and I'm so proud of that fact, and I really wonder what the point of having a boyfriend is when I can make myself happy without relying on someone else for my personal happiness.
I was lacking that self knowledge when I was dating Corey. I really relied on him to make me happy and I didn't have any self worth unless Corey was acknowledging me. Nor did I have an identity because my whole life revolved around him. I realized that huge, huge mistake and have worked really hard to be ok on my own and not have to rely on some guy to make me feel special, wanted, or loved because I can provide that for myself. And hopefully by doing so I can be a better girlfriend.
Tyson doesn't really see it that way; he doesn't feel like he's needed because he doesn't see where he fits in with my philosophy of making myself happy. I tried so many times to tell him that while I don't need to be in a relationship, I want to be in one with him. It took 9 different ways of saying it to him, 9 different times of getting frustrated and angry with him and myself, and 9 times before I wanted to shut down and stop talking about it and cry. It felt like to me, I had to reach that ultimate last resort before he finally listened and took it for what it's worth. At the advice of my therapist, I told him that I needed him to really listen to me and my needs because if I feel like my needs aren't being met through a simple gesture such as listening, this isn't going to work. So I'm willing to give him a try to prove to me that he can listen to me and take things seriously.
I had a really good weekend with Corey. My old laptop finally died and he and I went computer shopping. We had lunch, he helped me set up my new laptop, bought me doughnuts and just hung out. It's really nice to finally reach that place in our friendship where I can rely on him to help me out without wanting something sexual in return. We had a nice talk today and basically, although I don't necessarily get all my needs met from Tyson, if we break up I'm really going to miss having someone to talk with. After Megan moved, I don't have a best friend here and no one to really talk to and be myself around. Tyson provides that for me. I can talk to him about anything and joke about anything with him and I don't have to hold back.
Erika and I have been hanging out more often and she's really becoming a good friend I can talk to about my issues and whatever. I can joke around with her which is surprising since she seems so conservative and prim but she gets my jokes. The only thing I don't like about her is that sometimes I feel like she's really analyzing everything I say to her because of her psychology background. But who knows, I know I've been there for her and I hope that's been helpful to her because she's still torn up about Clay.
Anyway, I'm going out to Boise next Wednesday and I told Tyson that I would like to do some things that sound interesting to me around town. I really hope he listened to that and I'll see if he is going to take it seriously and take my needs and wants seriously.
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