Tyson and I broke up last night. It really hurts, I don't even know where and how to start...We had a rough weekend; fought on Friday, had a good day Saturday, had a good day for most of Sunday and Sunday afternoon we got in a motorcycle accident. He was trying to pass 3 trucks right before a hairpin turn, didn't make it, hit the brakes too hard, and we skidded out of control. Luckily, we didn't break anything and we didn't get run over but what made me the most mad was that he was reckless on his bike with me on the back. He didn't take into account for my safety because he was the one who wanted to go fast.
It just sucks, I lost my trust in him to keep me safe and watch out for my well-being. So Sunday and Monday I was distant from him, angry and unsure of how to string my words into something coherent that would get the point across.
Tuesday I went to the doctor to get all my road rash checked to make sure they weren't infected and as I was on my way to the hospital, he called to tell me that he got escorted off the premises at work because something with his security clearance didn't go through. He would have to leave almost immediately to go back to Idaho. He was home so he came and got me when I was done and we had a long talk.
I was able to tell him why I was so mad; yes, these wounds will heal and I will most likely not have any scars but I got a lot of emotional scarring from his carelessness and selfishness in general. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to date him anymore because I wasn't getting what I needed from him. He told me he didn't want to do the long distance thing again because he's not sure if he'll ever come back to Colorado. He also said he was tired of our constant fighting. The thing that sucks was that months ago i told him if his job didn't work out in Denver, I would move to Idaho to be with him if that's what he wanted. And he was really happy about that. I know that this was a mutual break up and I know neither of us were perfect but I was willing to look past his flaws because he was the one that made me happy. I really thought he could look past mine and it hurts to be rejected.
I've been crying a lot. He spent last night with me and we talked a lot and for awhile I thought we were going to give this another shot. He said that even if he does come back to Colorado because his clearance goes through, he wouldn't want to date me. That really hurts too. He left this morning as I was going to work...
The day was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I thought work could keep me busy and luckily I had a ton of things to do but my mind was all over the place and people kept asking about it so I cried a lot; I couldn't stop crying and feeling bad about everything and blaming myself. I dreaded coming home because while he packed last night, my place started feeling empty and barren and I knew it would be worse when I got home because not even his packed bags would be there. It was heart wrenching to open the door and see my key I gave to him under the door; it was earth shattering to look at the bed where we spent countless hours talking and watching tv in, it was just gut churning to look around and see all the emptiness I'm feeling inside.
I feel hollow and numb. I feel like I'm not really here. I really want to pick up my phone and call him but I know that would make it worse. I know one day I'll get over this pain enough to move on and find someone who's better suited for me but right now, I can't and don't want to think about that although that's what everyone keeps telling me.
I'm really going to miss his companionship. It was so nice coming hone knowing he'll be home in a couple hours. Even with the long distance, it was so wonderful to have him call me or I'll call him and talk for hours so I never felt alone. I'm really going to miss that and that's the hardest thing: knowing that I won't have that constant companion. I want him around and I liked being able to be so comfortable around him and with him. That's so hard and rare to find and I'm going to miss that...
I really miss you, Tyson. I really hope that one day we can make this work if we were really meant to be.
It just sucks, I lost my trust in him to keep me safe and watch out for my well-being. So Sunday and Monday I was distant from him, angry and unsure of how to string my words into something coherent that would get the point across.
Tuesday I went to the doctor to get all my road rash checked to make sure they weren't infected and as I was on my way to the hospital, he called to tell me that he got escorted off the premises at work because something with his security clearance didn't go through. He would have to leave almost immediately to go back to Idaho. He was home so he came and got me when I was done and we had a long talk.
I was able to tell him why I was so mad; yes, these wounds will heal and I will most likely not have any scars but I got a lot of emotional scarring from his carelessness and selfishness in general. I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to date him anymore because I wasn't getting what I needed from him. He told me he didn't want to do the long distance thing again because he's not sure if he'll ever come back to Colorado. He also said he was tired of our constant fighting. The thing that sucks was that months ago i told him if his job didn't work out in Denver, I would move to Idaho to be with him if that's what he wanted. And he was really happy about that. I know that this was a mutual break up and I know neither of us were perfect but I was willing to look past his flaws because he was the one that made me happy. I really thought he could look past mine and it hurts to be rejected.
I've been crying a lot. He spent last night with me and we talked a lot and for awhile I thought we were going to give this another shot. He said that even if he does come back to Colorado because his clearance goes through, he wouldn't want to date me. That really hurts too. He left this morning as I was going to work...
The day was really hard, harder than I thought it would be. I thought work could keep me busy and luckily I had a ton of things to do but my mind was all over the place and people kept asking about it so I cried a lot; I couldn't stop crying and feeling bad about everything and blaming myself. I dreaded coming home because while he packed last night, my place started feeling empty and barren and I knew it would be worse when I got home because not even his packed bags would be there. It was heart wrenching to open the door and see my key I gave to him under the door; it was earth shattering to look at the bed where we spent countless hours talking and watching tv in, it was just gut churning to look around and see all the emptiness I'm feeling inside.
I feel hollow and numb. I feel like I'm not really here. I really want to pick up my phone and call him but I know that would make it worse. I know one day I'll get over this pain enough to move on and find someone who's better suited for me but right now, I can't and don't want to think about that although that's what everyone keeps telling me.
I'm really going to miss his companionship. It was so nice coming hone knowing he'll be home in a couple hours. Even with the long distance, it was so wonderful to have him call me or I'll call him and talk for hours so I never felt alone. I'm really going to miss that and that's the hardest thing: knowing that I won't have that constant companion. I want him around and I liked being able to be so comfortable around him and with him. That's so hard and rare to find and I'm going to miss that...
I really miss you, Tyson. I really hope that one day we can make this work if we were really meant to be.
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