It’s been a week since the accident, and a week tomorrow since Tyson and I broke up. It’s been quite the roller coaster ride of emotions and everything comes and goes in waves of gut wrenching sorrow or just the overall feeling of being numb and vacant. I haven’t eaten a real meal since last Monday, and the thought of food makes me gag and feel nauseous so I try not to force myself to eat more than the absolute bare minimum.
Tyson and I talked last Thursday and I guess the good thing about that was I didn’t feel worse after the conversation. Maybe we had some closure, but mostly it felt like clarification for the two of us. He wants to keep in touch and isn’t opposed to seeing what could happen with us in the future. It sounds like his clearance will go through eventually and I know at some point he’ll come out to Colorado even if it’s just to visit friends. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up but that’s what I do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a friendship with Tyson and maybe having something again in the future. I know there are a lot of issues I need to work on regarding myself and him. It sucks that my last memory of him is the accident and although sometimes I can smile thinking of something funny we did together, all I can think about are those last couple of days we had together. I know if I want to have a future with him, I need to work on forgiving him and moving from that. I didn’t really do that with Corey and although we’re friends right now, there are moments when I am furious at him and I can feel the hate, anger, and disappointment bubbling from within me. I don’t want that with Tyson, I want to be able to move forward in my life.
I guess the thing I’m having the hardest time dealing with is the fact that I can’t talk to him whenever I want. I miss having his companionship and always knowing that he was there for me. My friends seem kind of apathetic at times when I want to talk about what I’m feeling; mostly because I am like a broken record talking about the same issues and feelings, but it’s what I need to get off my chest at that moment. Luckily, and thankfully, Mr. Kim has been answering his phone every time I call so I call him whenever I want to call Tyson.
I still can’t change the sheets. I finally mustered up whatever courage it takes to put his towel in the hamper. I know it shouldn’t be so hard to change his sheets but sometimes it’s so comforting to lean over and smell him and somehow it calms me down. Yeah, it also makes me miss him like crazy but I’m really trying to let go.
The hardest part was this weekend. During the week I can keep myself occupied with work and stuff after work, but bedtime is always the hardest. I have to fight so hard to not text him “good night” or that I miss him, but the weekend was pretty tough. I tried to think of the things I did before I met him that kept me busy, but I couldn’t motivate myself to run errands, clean the house, anything. I watched TV and movies and zoned completely out. Saturday night David, Julie, and Erika and I went out and I tried to eat some food but ended up throwing it up a few minutes later. I dressed up a bit because I was tired of looking the way I felt. Yeah, my road rash is on prominent display and I look like a burn victim at this point, but I wanted to feel ok about something.
What hurt me the most was that Erika, who has been my rock some days, made plans with her fuck buddy and was going to leave early. That really stung and although I don’t expect my friends to sit around and mope with me, I thought since this was my first attempt at normalcy she’d be around to support me. I’m also feeling a lack of support from David because he sees this as a mutual break up and as I had some issues and problems that never got fixed with Tyson, why bother being so hurt and depressed?
In the end, as always, Erika’s fuck buddy bailed on her and we went down to South Broadway. There was some underground music festival going on so there were tons of people out which was kind of exciting. We didn’t end up staying long because Julie was getting sick and David and Erika drank a lot too fast and too soon. We ended up going home around 10:30 and I stayed up until 12 trying not to think of him and trying to sleep.
Although I haven’t been going to bed til late, I wake up at 6:30 and have a hard time falling back asleep. I lie awake and think a lot, try not to think, and give up and turn the TV on in hopes of finding something to keep my mind off things. It’s been hard because while most of the time I’m ok and I’m dealing with this, there are more moments than I want to admit where I have something close to a panic attack because I miss him so much. And when that happens, I have no one to turn to and that’s been a horrible feeling as well. Like I said, Mr. Kim at least always answers his phone but it’s making me sad that I can’t depend on some of my closest friends for comfort when I need it.
I don’t expect the world to stop turning. I don’t expect my friends to always drop everything and help me out. What hurts is knowing that even to them, I’m coming second to fuck buddies and overall disdain. It’s kinda sad that people I haven’t talked to in months seem more supportive in helping me move on.
I got a facebook message from Austin and he said “It sounds like you need someone to take you out to dinner or something” so I’m actually going to take him up on that hopefully sometime this week. Last night Fox and I went to see Inception and we ended up hanging out for a bit afterwards talking about break ups. He’s still not over Keeli and it was just nice to be able to relate to someone for a bit. He said we can go hiking since that was something I really wanted to do more of with Tyson but we never had the chance.
I know everything will get better in time. I know this relationship will hopefully make me a better person for either me or the next guy I’m with. I know my road rash will heal and fade, and I know my heart will stop hurting so much. I know these things but it’s so hard to focus on that right now. I still really miss him and I miss everything about him; the weight of his arm around me, his smile, his goofy mannerisms, the way he held me and kissed me, and most of all, knowing that I had someone who loves me.
Tyson and I talked last Thursday and I guess the good thing about that was I didn’t feel worse after the conversation. Maybe we had some closure, but mostly it felt like clarification for the two of us. He wants to keep in touch and isn’t opposed to seeing what could happen with us in the future. It sounds like his clearance will go through eventually and I know at some point he’ll come out to Colorado even if it’s just to visit friends. I know I shouldn’t get my hopes up but that’s what I do.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a friendship with Tyson and maybe having something again in the future. I know there are a lot of issues I need to work on regarding myself and him. It sucks that my last memory of him is the accident and although sometimes I can smile thinking of something funny we did together, all I can think about are those last couple of days we had together. I know if I want to have a future with him, I need to work on forgiving him and moving from that. I didn’t really do that with Corey and although we’re friends right now, there are moments when I am furious at him and I can feel the hate, anger, and disappointment bubbling from within me. I don’t want that with Tyson, I want to be able to move forward in my life.
I guess the thing I’m having the hardest time dealing with is the fact that I can’t talk to him whenever I want. I miss having his companionship and always knowing that he was there for me. My friends seem kind of apathetic at times when I want to talk about what I’m feeling; mostly because I am like a broken record talking about the same issues and feelings, but it’s what I need to get off my chest at that moment. Luckily, and thankfully, Mr. Kim has been answering his phone every time I call so I call him whenever I want to call Tyson.
I still can’t change the sheets. I finally mustered up whatever courage it takes to put his towel in the hamper. I know it shouldn’t be so hard to change his sheets but sometimes it’s so comforting to lean over and smell him and somehow it calms me down. Yeah, it also makes me miss him like crazy but I’m really trying to let go.
The hardest part was this weekend. During the week I can keep myself occupied with work and stuff after work, but bedtime is always the hardest. I have to fight so hard to not text him “good night” or that I miss him, but the weekend was pretty tough. I tried to think of the things I did before I met him that kept me busy, but I couldn’t motivate myself to run errands, clean the house, anything. I watched TV and movies and zoned completely out. Saturday night David, Julie, and Erika and I went out and I tried to eat some food but ended up throwing it up a few minutes later. I dressed up a bit because I was tired of looking the way I felt. Yeah, my road rash is on prominent display and I look like a burn victim at this point, but I wanted to feel ok about something.
What hurt me the most was that Erika, who has been my rock some days, made plans with her fuck buddy and was going to leave early. That really stung and although I don’t expect my friends to sit around and mope with me, I thought since this was my first attempt at normalcy she’d be around to support me. I’m also feeling a lack of support from David because he sees this as a mutual break up and as I had some issues and problems that never got fixed with Tyson, why bother being so hurt and depressed?
In the end, as always, Erika’s fuck buddy bailed on her and we went down to South Broadway. There was some underground music festival going on so there were tons of people out which was kind of exciting. We didn’t end up staying long because Julie was getting sick and David and Erika drank a lot too fast and too soon. We ended up going home around 10:30 and I stayed up until 12 trying not to think of him and trying to sleep.
Although I haven’t been going to bed til late, I wake up at 6:30 and have a hard time falling back asleep. I lie awake and think a lot, try not to think, and give up and turn the TV on in hopes of finding something to keep my mind off things. It’s been hard because while most of the time I’m ok and I’m dealing with this, there are more moments than I want to admit where I have something close to a panic attack because I miss him so much. And when that happens, I have no one to turn to and that’s been a horrible feeling as well. Like I said, Mr. Kim at least always answers his phone but it’s making me sad that I can’t depend on some of my closest friends for comfort when I need it.
I don’t expect the world to stop turning. I don’t expect my friends to always drop everything and help me out. What hurts is knowing that even to them, I’m coming second to fuck buddies and overall disdain. It’s kinda sad that people I haven’t talked to in months seem more supportive in helping me move on.
I got a facebook message from Austin and he said “It sounds like you need someone to take you out to dinner or something” so I’m actually going to take him up on that hopefully sometime this week. Last night Fox and I went to see Inception and we ended up hanging out for a bit afterwards talking about break ups. He’s still not over Keeli and it was just nice to be able to relate to someone for a bit. He said we can go hiking since that was something I really wanted to do more of with Tyson but we never had the chance.
I know everything will get better in time. I know this relationship will hopefully make me a better person for either me or the next guy I’m with. I know my road rash will heal and fade, and I know my heart will stop hurting so much. I know these things but it’s so hard to focus on that right now. I still really miss him and I miss everything about him; the weight of his arm around me, his smile, his goofy mannerisms, the way he held me and kissed me, and most of all, knowing that I had someone who loves me.
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