Almost three weeks. Almost three weeks since the accident and breaking up. Three weeks and I'm still depressed and lethargic and slowly beginning to get angry and more hurt. I'm really thankful for the friends I have in my life: Heather, Fox, Austin, Erika, and David from time to time. Last Friday Julie, Erika, David and I went out after work and had an ok night. I genuinely had a great couple of laughs thanks to Julie's sardonic dry humor and all in all, I felt ok. And that sucks, I feel ok when I'm with my friends but not so much when I'm on my own. We were planning on going somewhere else but as I still haven't been eating real meals, my stomach was starting to hurt and I was supposed to go hiking early Saturday morning with Fox so I decided to go home.
When we were at dinner, I talked a little bit about Tyson and Erika and I had been talking about him during the week. Tyson and I really have an opportunity for a clean break, and it was really unfair of him to ask me to wait again because he said he didn't want to close the door completely on us. It sucks because he knows I would wait; I've been doing that for almost 11 months for him. So when I got home, he called me because he texted while I was at dinner and we talked about that. I flat out asked him if he was really sure about wanting to get back together one day because why should I have to wait if he knows deep down that he doesn't want to be with me? He admitted that he's pretty sure he doesn't want to get back together. I then talked about having a clean break and not talking to him ever again because it hurts, it kills me to talk to him like there was nothing between us and that we're now "just friends." It's going to suck even more when he starts dating someone and vice versa.
He told me he wasn't ready to say good bye forever. He said that it wasn't something he wants to do. I told him I wasn't ready either and this isn't something I want but rather, need. I need to be able to move on, I need to be able to focus on myself instead of feeling so sad and bummed about us. And really, when is anyone truly ready to say good bye forever? He finally respected it, and we got off the phone. That night, I had so many dreams about him that I just couldn't sleep anymore. I ended up texting him at 7 in the morning telling him that you know what, I don't think I can say good bye yet, I still can't stop thinking about him and I don't think I'm ready. He was so happy after he got it, and in some ways, I wish I just held out and in other ways, I'm glad I didn't.
Saturday I went hiking with Fox and that was a lot of fun. We went to this area around Lookout Mountain and it brought back so many terrible memories from the crash. Luckily we didn't get off the exit where Tyson and I had our accident, but driving back home on US 6 was really, really hard. I'm kinda glad we went there because it brought some closure but at the same time, it made me so sad and almost mad. I kept getting flashbacks and I was somewhat resentful of Fox for taking me there because he didn't remember that that was the area where we crashed.
Besides that, I did have a good time, it was good to get a little out of the city and just sweat and talk things out with Fox and get a guy's perspective on things. We went back to the city and I got to see his new place and he lives a lot closer to me now. I hope we can hang out again soon, but I know he's always impossibly busy.
That night, I finally hung out with Joel and Corey. Joel moved here about 3 weeks ago and because of random circumstances, we haven't hung out yet. I guess it was ok, we had dinner at Hamburger Mary's and started going out in LoDo. We took him to the Hyatt, Double Daughters, Fado's, and Sport's Center. He ended up leaving early and Corey and hung out some more. We went to Croc's because there was something going on there and we started dancing and just kind of having fun. The entire night, I felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something wrong and all I could think about was that Tyson was going to be so mad. I couldn't really let loose and have fun and that really made me feel mad and sad. I have no ties to him anymore, he will not want me back, and I don't owe him anything. But because he hated me hanging out with Corey so much, I felt like I was cheating on him or something. I know I don't and didn't need to feel that way but I did.
Two Wednesdays ago, I had dinner with Austin. It was fine, it was good hanging out with him because he didn't ask about the accident besides asking if I was ok, and we didn't talk about Tyson. He told me some personal stuff from his life in the last couple years and we had...not exactly fun, but it was a great distraction. He wanted to take me home but I was afraid that he might try to do something that I declined and walked home. We may or may not hang out again sometime soon, but either way, I don't know...I don't want to do anything sexual with him or anyone and I'm kind of afraid that he's going to ask or assume that we might.
This Tuesday Heather won tickets to go to a concert downtown. She knew I was really sad and bummed so she asked if I wanted to go with her and have dinner and stuff. It was really, really, great hanging out with her. It was so good seeing her because she changed her appearance a lot, she actually wore make up and her hair was done and she got colored contacts and I thought she looked amazing. I was really happy for her to you know, grow up a bit and we talked about how she wants to try online dating and it was just so nice to have a friend like her. At this point in my life, it really, really means a lot.
The concert was so so. Freelance Whales were one of the opening bands and they were a lot of fun to watch. During Tokyo Police Club, I was just watching the crowd around me and how much fun they were all having and realizing that I was having fun too. I was happy that all these random strangers were having a great time. At one point I started thinking about the last time I hung out with Fran. It was the Friday before the accident and breaking up. Tyson and I were going to have dinner with him and we went over to his house. We were talking about what to have for dinner and I said that I didn't care as long as I could get some kind of dessert like cake or pie. Literally a few minutes later Tyson says, "Sushi?" and before I can say anything, Fran says, "Alisa wanted dessert, what the hell kind of dessert is she going to have at a sushi place?" Tyson was like, "oh yeah, I forgot" and I said kind of teasingly, "You always forget." It disappointed me that someone like Fran who met me a total of less than 10 times paid closer attention to what I actually wanted. Plus he might have been high at that point too.
We decided to go to some neighborhood place so we walked to the restaurant. On our way back we passed a house that had all these pretty pink roses and I tried to pick one for Fran. Of course because of all the thorns I gave up and Fran was behind Tyson and me and I felt a tap on my shoulder and Fran had picked the rose for me that I was trying to get for him. He's just more attuned to me than Tyson ever was. It's so sad to think that I spent 11 months of my life catering to his needs and never quite having mine met.
It disappoints me to think of how long I would have put up with it because I know I wasn't ready to call this quits. It makes me think, am I really that desperate for a relationship? I wasn't getting anything from him and he was never going to change the things about his personality that I wasn't happy with. And yet I still stayed with him because I kept thinking that I couldn't give this a real chance until he moved out to Denver permanently or I moved out to him. I felt like I owed that to him and to me although my gut was screaming that nothing would change about him or the things I wasn't happy with.
I think that's another thing I'm having a hard time moving on from. The fact that I was so willing to put me aside for him and to make him happy. I'm back to weekly therapy appointments with Lynn and she did give some good advice. She told me that while I should try to have fun and move on, I also need to take the time to be sad about this and it's ok to be sad and it's ok to cry. I haven't really done that because I do try to distract myself as much as possible. She also said that hey, Corey and I are friends. It took us years to get to where we are right now, but we're friends and pretty good friends at that. She recommended that Tyson and I just take a break for now to gather our thoughts and feel ok about everything and then start talking to each other. She said no one ever said that you can't talk to someone just because you broke up. She said that since everything's still so fresh and raw, I do have more anger and disappointment and that's ok, maybe I just need some space and time to really focus on being ok with the break up and be ok with a friendship.
The thing is, I want to talk to him more often and not take a break but at the same time, we haven't spoken since Monday. It's easy and hard at the same time. I also really want to talk to Fran, but I don't know my motive behind it. I really want Tyson to hurt as much as I am so that terrible vindictive part of me wants to hook up with Fran knowing that I could make that happen if I wanted it. But there's no guarantee that Fran would either tell Tyson or anyone who might tell him. Plus I think I would feel terrible and bad about myself. I do like Fran and I have always been slightly attracted to him but obviously I never did anything because I was with Tyson. I feel guilty for wanting to hang out with him because again, Tyson was worried about us.
I also don't know what it would be like if Fran and I hung out. I don't know if I want to talk about Tyson and I don't know if he would even bring it up. I have a feeling that I would try to milk every little bit of random information from Fran and I don't want to do that; I want to hang out with him and have some fun and try to build a friendship with him because like I said, he looked out for me and I always had a good time with him. I'm thinking of calling him later today and just throwing out dinner sometime.
I still miss having someone care about me. Despite the fact that Tyson wasn't the greatest boyfriend, he made me believe that he loved and cared about me and I'm sure he did. I miss having that connection with someone and I'm desperately trying to fill that hole. I just wish things didn't end this way; I'm really bitter and angry that he had thought and talked to others about wanting to break up with me but never talked to me about it. He was able to talk to me about everything under the sun and for that one subject of importance, he decided not to talk to me about it. It just really hurts, and although I feel numb, it still hurts.
When we were at dinner, I talked a little bit about Tyson and Erika and I had been talking about him during the week. Tyson and I really have an opportunity for a clean break, and it was really unfair of him to ask me to wait again because he said he didn't want to close the door completely on us. It sucks because he knows I would wait; I've been doing that for almost 11 months for him. So when I got home, he called me because he texted while I was at dinner and we talked about that. I flat out asked him if he was really sure about wanting to get back together one day because why should I have to wait if he knows deep down that he doesn't want to be with me? He admitted that he's pretty sure he doesn't want to get back together. I then talked about having a clean break and not talking to him ever again because it hurts, it kills me to talk to him like there was nothing between us and that we're now "just friends." It's going to suck even more when he starts dating someone and vice versa.
He told me he wasn't ready to say good bye forever. He said that it wasn't something he wants to do. I told him I wasn't ready either and this isn't something I want but rather, need. I need to be able to move on, I need to be able to focus on myself instead of feeling so sad and bummed about us. And really, when is anyone truly ready to say good bye forever? He finally respected it, and we got off the phone. That night, I had so many dreams about him that I just couldn't sleep anymore. I ended up texting him at 7 in the morning telling him that you know what, I don't think I can say good bye yet, I still can't stop thinking about him and I don't think I'm ready. He was so happy after he got it, and in some ways, I wish I just held out and in other ways, I'm glad I didn't.
Saturday I went hiking with Fox and that was a lot of fun. We went to this area around Lookout Mountain and it brought back so many terrible memories from the crash. Luckily we didn't get off the exit where Tyson and I had our accident, but driving back home on US 6 was really, really hard. I'm kinda glad we went there because it brought some closure but at the same time, it made me so sad and almost mad. I kept getting flashbacks and I was somewhat resentful of Fox for taking me there because he didn't remember that that was the area where we crashed.
Besides that, I did have a good time, it was good to get a little out of the city and just sweat and talk things out with Fox and get a guy's perspective on things. We went back to the city and I got to see his new place and he lives a lot closer to me now. I hope we can hang out again soon, but I know he's always impossibly busy.
That night, I finally hung out with Joel and Corey. Joel moved here about 3 weeks ago and because of random circumstances, we haven't hung out yet. I guess it was ok, we had dinner at Hamburger Mary's and started going out in LoDo. We took him to the Hyatt, Double Daughters, Fado's, and Sport's Center. He ended up leaving early and Corey and hung out some more. We went to Croc's because there was something going on there and we started dancing and just kind of having fun. The entire night, I felt guilty. I felt like I was doing something wrong and all I could think about was that Tyson was going to be so mad. I couldn't really let loose and have fun and that really made me feel mad and sad. I have no ties to him anymore, he will not want me back, and I don't owe him anything. But because he hated me hanging out with Corey so much, I felt like I was cheating on him or something. I know I don't and didn't need to feel that way but I did.
Two Wednesdays ago, I had dinner with Austin. It was fine, it was good hanging out with him because he didn't ask about the accident besides asking if I was ok, and we didn't talk about Tyson. He told me some personal stuff from his life in the last couple years and we had...not exactly fun, but it was a great distraction. He wanted to take me home but I was afraid that he might try to do something that I declined and walked home. We may or may not hang out again sometime soon, but either way, I don't know...I don't want to do anything sexual with him or anyone and I'm kind of afraid that he's going to ask or assume that we might.
This Tuesday Heather won tickets to go to a concert downtown. She knew I was really sad and bummed so she asked if I wanted to go with her and have dinner and stuff. It was really, really, great hanging out with her. It was so good seeing her because she changed her appearance a lot, she actually wore make up and her hair was done and she got colored contacts and I thought she looked amazing. I was really happy for her to you know, grow up a bit and we talked about how she wants to try online dating and it was just so nice to have a friend like her. At this point in my life, it really, really means a lot.
The concert was so so. Freelance Whales were one of the opening bands and they were a lot of fun to watch. During Tokyo Police Club, I was just watching the crowd around me and how much fun they were all having and realizing that I was having fun too. I was happy that all these random strangers were having a great time. At one point I started thinking about the last time I hung out with Fran. It was the Friday before the accident and breaking up. Tyson and I were going to have dinner with him and we went over to his house. We were talking about what to have for dinner and I said that I didn't care as long as I could get some kind of dessert like cake or pie. Literally a few minutes later Tyson says, "Sushi?" and before I can say anything, Fran says, "Alisa wanted dessert, what the hell kind of dessert is she going to have at a sushi place?" Tyson was like, "oh yeah, I forgot" and I said kind of teasingly, "You always forget." It disappointed me that someone like Fran who met me a total of less than 10 times paid closer attention to what I actually wanted. Plus he might have been high at that point too.
We decided to go to some neighborhood place so we walked to the restaurant. On our way back we passed a house that had all these pretty pink roses and I tried to pick one for Fran. Of course because of all the thorns I gave up and Fran was behind Tyson and me and I felt a tap on my shoulder and Fran had picked the rose for me that I was trying to get for him. He's just more attuned to me than Tyson ever was. It's so sad to think that I spent 11 months of my life catering to his needs and never quite having mine met.
It disappoints me to think of how long I would have put up with it because I know I wasn't ready to call this quits. It makes me think, am I really that desperate for a relationship? I wasn't getting anything from him and he was never going to change the things about his personality that I wasn't happy with. And yet I still stayed with him because I kept thinking that I couldn't give this a real chance until he moved out to Denver permanently or I moved out to him. I felt like I owed that to him and to me although my gut was screaming that nothing would change about him or the things I wasn't happy with.
I think that's another thing I'm having a hard time moving on from. The fact that I was so willing to put me aside for him and to make him happy. I'm back to weekly therapy appointments with Lynn and she did give some good advice. She told me that while I should try to have fun and move on, I also need to take the time to be sad about this and it's ok to be sad and it's ok to cry. I haven't really done that because I do try to distract myself as much as possible. She also said that hey, Corey and I are friends. It took us years to get to where we are right now, but we're friends and pretty good friends at that. She recommended that Tyson and I just take a break for now to gather our thoughts and feel ok about everything and then start talking to each other. She said no one ever said that you can't talk to someone just because you broke up. She said that since everything's still so fresh and raw, I do have more anger and disappointment and that's ok, maybe I just need some space and time to really focus on being ok with the break up and be ok with a friendship.
The thing is, I want to talk to him more often and not take a break but at the same time, we haven't spoken since Monday. It's easy and hard at the same time. I also really want to talk to Fran, but I don't know my motive behind it. I really want Tyson to hurt as much as I am so that terrible vindictive part of me wants to hook up with Fran knowing that I could make that happen if I wanted it. But there's no guarantee that Fran would either tell Tyson or anyone who might tell him. Plus I think I would feel terrible and bad about myself. I do like Fran and I have always been slightly attracted to him but obviously I never did anything because I was with Tyson. I feel guilty for wanting to hang out with him because again, Tyson was worried about us.
I also don't know what it would be like if Fran and I hung out. I don't know if I want to talk about Tyson and I don't know if he would even bring it up. I have a feeling that I would try to milk every little bit of random information from Fran and I don't want to do that; I want to hang out with him and have some fun and try to build a friendship with him because like I said, he looked out for me and I always had a good time with him. I'm thinking of calling him later today and just throwing out dinner sometime.
I still miss having someone care about me. Despite the fact that Tyson wasn't the greatest boyfriend, he made me believe that he loved and cared about me and I'm sure he did. I miss having that connection with someone and I'm desperately trying to fill that hole. I just wish things didn't end this way; I'm really bitter and angry that he had thought and talked to others about wanting to break up with me but never talked to me about it. He was able to talk to me about everything under the sun and for that one subject of importance, he decided not to talk to me about it. It just really hurts, and although I feel numb, it still hurts.
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