Sweetheart, your feelings are more important of course

Last Saturday Tyson came over; it was after I talked with Fox. I started talking to Tyson about how happy Fox is, how hopeful, and how maybe that feeling is what keeps people from trying to find a connection with someone even though you know you could get hurt. I then said that it's been a really long time since I felt that and how I wanted to feel that way again.

I guess I mentioned dating a few more times, I talked about wanting to start but feeling lazy and apathetic to starting a new profile and trying the whole online thing again. He asked if I was ready to cut him out of my life and not have him be a part of me. I kind of got mad because that's not what I ever said and he again forgot that we had talked about being friends regardless of whether we are dating someone else. Then he asked if I ever thought about dating him again.

I told him of course, but what would be the point? He's still in Idaho and I don't see him selling/renting his house and moving out here. I don't see myself giving up what little I have here to move out there.

I guess since he brought it up, I have been thinking about it. It feels like we're dating right now - this feels the same way it did when we were actually together. I see him when I can and accept that when I don't it's because of work. And I have thought about just dating him exclusively for awhile until I want something more. But then I feel if I did that I might miss out on something or someone.

He said that things have been going really well between us and he has thought about getting back with me. And they have, it has greatly improved once I got Corey out of my life; however, I feel like this is complete bullshit because the only reason why I haven't said anything to him or really gave a shit when I don't see him is because we're not together. Why bother fighting with someone when you have no real reason to? What's the point of getting angry with something they did when it doesn't matter to them that they made you angry?

I know that he'll be out in Colorado off and on for at least a year. I also know I'm not ready to get into a relationship quite yet. But I know I don't want to be alone and while I want something so much more meaningful than fucking around with Tyson, I don't really want to set myself up for failure.

I talked to him on the phone last night. I answered feeling a little giddy and happy thinking that he wanted to make actual "date" sounding plans since we ended Sautrday's conversation with him saying "Yeah, I told my co-workers that I was going to hang out with my girlfriend tonight." Instead, he asked what I felt like cooking and told me that he had made plans for the weekend to go for a bike ride with a co-worker. So...I got my hopes up for someone who has repeatedly disappointed me and I'm just really angry with myself.